I’ve never been super into holidays.
Okay, that’s a lie. When I was growing up my mom would go all out for every holiday and it was amazing.
I tried to carry on the tradition but I’m way lazier than she is, so I pretty much limit my craziness to Halloween, usually Christmas, and sometimes birthdays.
But a few years ago my friends and I celebrated everything. New Year’s, Christmas, St. Paddy’s, Easter, April Fool’s, Cinco de Mayo, Memorial Day, Fourth of July, Labor Day, Halloween, Thanksgiving . . . President’s Day, Veteran’s Day, Earth Day. I can’t even remember them all anymore.
I do know that many of them weren’t even holidays that pertained to us. I mean, Cinco de Mayo? The only person in our group who could have even tried to justify celebrating Mexico’s victory over the French was Jack, who happens to be 1/8 Mexican. Or maybe 1/16.
You get the point.
Most of the holidays we celebrated were similar. We didn’t even know why they were special. But, they gave us an excuse to get trashed and laid.
So I guess that’s why I have such a problem with all of the shenanigans people do on this day every year. It’s probably why I stay home with no plans until my mom calls me 3 minutes before the fireworks start to ask if I’m going to see them.
Even then I usually don’t go out of my way to see them, but I often take the boy up on a roof or down the street for a better view. But I do it for him. I don’t do it because I need an excuse to celebrate something. I don’t do it for America. I do it because my kid likes fireworks. Simple as that.
Yes, I take advantage of the July Fourth celebrations. But I don’t pretend to be joining in on them.
Where I live, fireworks are illegal. So we only have a few times a year to see them, and they happen to be on national holidays. So you’re damn right I’m going to let my 3-year-old see them if he wants to.
What I don’t do is go around screaming “Happy Birthday America!” with my right boob popping out. I don’t use America as an excuse to take shot after shot. I don’t even take any shots.
You will not find me, reeking of beer and piss, hovering over something that might possibly blow off my head trying to show my friends “how cool it is” and calling it patriotic. You will not find me out at a bar, drooling at everything that walks, waving my flag and calling it patriotic. You will not find me pushing my child and dragging my husband through a crowd of people, using this day as an excuse to send my kids into a sugar coma, because it is not patriotic.
Hell, you won’t even find me wearing red, white, or blue because I know any celebrating I am doing will not, in fact, be in honor of my country, but instead fueled by my own selfish desires.
Scrolling through my Facebook newsfeed, I see that at least 75% of the posts are pictures of alcohol or drunk people. (The other 25% are a mix of Red/White/Blue attire and kids playing with sparklers.) Call me cynical if you will, but using our nation’s day of freedom as an excuse to get drunk doesn’t really show your independence, does it?
I know there are those of you who love America, and love our history, and love our government . . .
Oh wait, what’s that? None of you love all of those things? Then why are you celebrating?
Because, by law as long as you’re 21 or older, you can get shitfaced on any given night to celebrate your own “independence.” Just do us all a favor and stop calling it patriotism.
I could live without comforting my child and dog at 2am because you thought setting yourself on fire was a good idea. I’d like to live without cleaning up your vomit from my front lawn, then going on Facebook and reading all about the atrocities this country puts you through, while you’re still hungover from “celebrating” her.
Sadly, because of our wonderful nation, you have every right to disguise your narcissism as respect. But I also have the right to call you out on it.
*Note – this is not intended for those who actually do love America and its history and government and celebrate this day for the right reasons. That should be a given, but I have a tendency of offending people (by mistake . . . usually).
**Also, I (insincerely) apologize for the excess of July 4th memes. They were all just so good. (Check out more here.)