Confession: My Lady Bits are Not a Black Hole

I’m just going to dive right into this.

I think I have a lost tampon somewhere in the depths of my vagina.

*Disclaimer (that I purposely added after the initial shocking confession) — to those who are squeamish or uncomfortable talking about bodily stuff or private parts or women’s health, or tampons or periods or vaginas, I am not sorry. And you should continue reading. Because it’s about damn time we made this stuff okay to talk about. And if I offend any of you, why the hell are you here in the first place?

Photo Credit: Towe My / Flickr (CC BY-NC 2.0) This is a legit tampon holder called "the red flower of shame". Um, what?!

Photo Credit: Towe My / Flickr (CC BY-NC 2.0)
This is a legit tampon holder called “the red flower of shame”. Um, what?!

So here’s what happened —

During my last period, I used tampons like I always do. Believe me, with how unpredictable my flow can be it’s pretty much impossible to successfully (or comfortably) use pads. Plus, then it makes it awkward if someone pinches or grabs my ass in just the right copping-a-feel kind of way. Which happens more often than you think.

Anyway, I was going about my normal business and changing my tampon every few hours or every time I peed, whichever came first, and one time I noticed there was no string. NO STRING.

I thought for a moment. This has happened before. I simply forgot to put one in last time because my flow wasn’t that heavy. Was it? No, I don’t think so. So that’s what happened — I must have forgotten to put one in. One time a few months ago I even made a nifty little chart so I could mark off what time I did and didn’t change my tampon, and left it out in the open to figuratively slap me in the face during those mind-wandering times, which I guess happen a lot.

But that only lasted about a week.

This time I did not have a handy chart, or a good memory. So I must have just forgotten to put a new one in once I took the old one out. No big deal. It’ll just be on my mind for a while, but I go through this almost every month and soon my worries will disappear.

I put a new tampon in, and it felt a little strange, but it feels a little strange about 60% of the time because I mean, I’m literally putting a few inches of condensed, dry, hard cotton into my naughty place. It took me months to even get the positioning right when I first every tried to use tampons, and sometimes I think I still don’t have it right.

I went on with my day as usual, and nothing seemed particularly off.

The next time I had to pee, I felt for the string to take out the tampon I knew I had inserted, but IT WASN’T THERE. Now, even though I did push a human being out of my nether region and, according to my mother, “he came flying out like a rocket,” I know my vagina is not some sort of black hole.

(Get your minds out of the gutter, by the way — we’re not here to discuss my sacred place’s elasticity.) (But if you must know, I’ve been told it went right back to almost normal.) (Normal was not a black hole. Not even close.) (Here, read this and assume I’m close in comparison.)

Okay, now that that’s over with . . .

The string wasn’t there, again. So this time I really searched for it, all up in my vulva. And guess what? I found it! Right there, twirled up in my labia minora, just chilling. (If you aren’t familiar with those terms, you should be. Go read an encyclopedia or something.)

First thought: Thank God! Second thought: Well, this is annoying. Third thought: OH SHIT.

Oh shit. What if that had happened with the last tampon? What if it did exist — if I did remember to put it in — and I just didn’t search hard enough for the string? So once I pulled the most recent tampon out, I searched for the possibly-existent/maybe-non-existent one. Briefly.

But I didn’t feel anything, and I thought for sure I would be able to fairly easily, so again I went back to my original thought that I just forgot to insert it in the first place.

And then some days or weeks or whatever went by, my period ended, and my pee started smelling weird. If you’re one of the 22% of people who can smell asparagus pee, it smelled like that. And I don’t eat asparagus, ever. I do have a pretty bad diet, though.

Once I started to get really concerned, I Googled “lost tampon.” And “forgotten tampon” and “stuck tampon” and all that crap. Only one article that I found mentioned anything about asparagus pee, but that got me all worked up. So I decided to perform a more thorough check.

I got in the shower, because one time I read something about the hot water expanding the tampon or relaxing your body or something that helps. I cut one of my nails, so as not to scratch myself. I strained and grunted like I was pooping, trying to push whatever might be in there down further.

I searched again. Only I found nothing, again. I kept searching and pushing until it felt incredibly uncomfortable and I managed to hurt some deep-within area.

But I did not pull out a gross, old tampon.

Now, days or weeks or whatever later, I’ve gotten my period again. And, for the first time in my life, my period is actually every 28 days on point. (Praise the gods for that one.) So although I didn’t mark my calendar as usual during my last monthly cycle, there are pretty good odds that it’s been 28 days.

Well, minus the few days that I had already had my period last time, plus two days since I actually got this period two days ago. So let’s just say 28. Actually, let’s say a month.

A MONTH. There’s a chance there’s been a gross, decaying feminine product inside of my body for a month.

I’ve researched “lost tampon” symptoms and Toxic Shock Syndrome symptoms and everything says something different.

I’ve been getting headaches, which is commonly a symptom, but that may be from the rat’s nest that has beaten my luscious locks in a battle to reside on my head.

I’ve been a little dizzy lately, but that could be from staring at technological screens too much, laying/sitting too often, and having a crazy fucked up diet and eating schedule.

Sometimes I feel nauseous, but I don’t remember a time in my life when I didn’t.

I keep checking my palms for a rash. Supposedly, that’s when you know there definitely is a tampon lodged inside you and it’s gotten really bad and you’re probably going to die.

So far, no rash.

I would just go to my gynecologist, but I don’t have one. I would just go to the hospital, but I don’t have insurance and if there isn’t a tampon there, I don’t want to have to worry about the astronomical ER bill.

I asked Jack to check for me, but he declined. Nate said he would do it, but that doesn’t help me for the next 13+ years.

So, here’s to hoping that rash doesn’t appear.


 

**Do you know what the really sad thing is? No one talks about it. Or when they do, they make fun of the people who have gone through this. Including doctors!! (Check out the comment thread for the really mean stuff.) Supposedly, this is a lot more common than most women think. Like, a lot. I recently found out it happened to several of my close friends. But they didn’t tell me their stories until I prompted them with mine. Why don’t we talk about this?

I’m here to talk about it. I’m here to tell you it’s okay to reach out for help and make this common mistake be known. We shouldn’t have to be ashamed of a normal thing.

Luckily I’ve found a few hilarious articles written by other awesome bloggers about their lady bits not being black holes. Those are their stories (spoiler: some did have lost tampons, some did not), this is mine, and you should feel free to share yours as well.**

 

This post is part of Nonsense & Shenanigans’ Confessional Series.
It is also part one of this story. Read part two, three, and four.

 

Facebook: Nonsense & Shenanigans / Twitter: @nonsenanigans
Did you ever experience something like this? A lost tampon? Panic over nothing? Panic over something? An embarrassing medical situation? Tell me about it! (Or, submit your story to
The Confessional.)

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33 thoughts on “Confession: My Lady Bits are Not a Black Hole

  1. I never use them because of the fear of this happening. I hope it turns out never having been there for you.
    I agree that people do need to start talking more, this is life & death, that has to mean something, right?
    Good luck! (What an odd thing to say, but nevertheless, good luck.)

    Liked by 2 people

    • Haha thank you!! I’m thinking I might go to the ER soon. Or try to find one of those free/low-cost clinics. I know there’s one around here because I went to it 10 years ago when I first wanted birth control and didn’t want my dad finding out.

      I’m aiming to get back on the birth control shot, in which case I don’t get my period AT ALL. I have no need to be on birth control because I’m not having sex, but I mean, no period? Worth it.

      Like

      • That might be a good idea, hopefully you can find that clinic again. Can’t think of a worse conversation than one about birth control with my dad, haha, don’t blame you for avoiding letting him in on it!
        I live in England so we have most things for free via the NHS, makes me realise how lucky I am over here!
        & The birth control plan sounds like a good one – definitely worth it.

        Liked by 1 person

  2. This does happen a ton. I have pulled out amazing things from hoohahs! Thank you for talking about it! Go get it checked so you can be done with the worry (though don’t go to the ER, it is cheaper at an outpatient clinic and super easy to do).

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Ahhh! This was interesting to read (kinda weird to say that). I hope you find that clinic. I hate how fear of crazy bills keeps us from seeking medical help. I would be freaking out if I were you but that’s also because I’m a huge scaredy cat about a lot of things. I hope you’ll be ok! Good thing you’re keeping an eye out for any weird symptoms.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you! My friend told me about a clinic that’s in the same town I think the one I went to was in, so I’m going to check them out tomorrow. (And by ‘check them out’ I probably mean call around 4:55pm — from what I remember of the place, it was gnarly and not exactly where you’d want a vaginal exam. Ugh.)

      Like

  4. We should all be pouring another drink (or I should be submitting this anonymously), another drink it is! I have had some unusual down there issues so you’re not alone. I have never been able to use pads because my flow is so heavy and I was an athlete, springboard diving (nothing gets you over embarrassment like having the string sticking out of your bathing suit…it happens more than you think). Back to the heavy flow – I use 2 tampons on what my husband refers to as my “bleed to death” days. Talk about the nether regions getting tired and plum wore out from jamming two pillow sized puffs up in there every couple of hours. The best solution: “happy down there stuff” – a blend of tea tree, lavender, and frankincense mixed with a little coconut oil HEAVEN! And if you put those same oils (4 drops of each) in a douche bottle with a glug of vinegar it fixes everything from odor to yeast to “bleed to death” recovery. I also had a tampon get lost, but it was because I wanted to have sex but it was bad timing…He complained about a raw weenie tip – oops! (That relationship didn’t last long – he was gun-shy that our parts weren’t compatible.) I should probably stop there…

    Liked by 1 person

    • I love to make people laugh! I didn’t realize I had a humorous side until I started this blog, so now I’m exploring it and am happy when it works. Take anything I say seriously OR humorously — there’s usually a bit of both in everything anyway. =]

      Like

  5. AAAAhhhhh,,,ahhhh,,,oooooh,,, sorry I am little freaked , I always am when it comes to tampons! I never use them!! My bf even offered to help me use show how to use them..eekkkkk,,, Im now convinced, its never gonna happen! Plz tc!

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Have you thought about using a cup instead? Google moon cup or diva cup (they all have absurd hippie names). Harder to lose, more eco-friendly, less chance of causing TSS or other bad reactions, way cheaper over time. You have to be comfortable getting friendly with your hoohah and maybe getting blood on your hands, but it sounds like you could handle that ;) It takes some practice to get it in right so there won’t be any leaks, but you can wear it for 12 hours at a time between emptying and cleaning.

    Liked by 1 person

    • At first I was a little weirded out by them. Now that this is all over with and I’ve looked into them more, I think there’s a good chance I’m going to get one.

      That is, if I can’t get back on the birth control shot, because that will just take my period away completely!

      Like

  7. I didn’t bother to read the many preceding comments, so maybe this is a duplicate recommendation: GO TO PLANNED PARENTHOOD (or its equivalent). Go somewhere where they help women with gynecological issues! Every heard of a free clinic? When I was in my late teens and 20’s I sure had. They are great. Hey, they specialize in STDs and birth control, so a lost tampon is no biggie.

    Anyway, you may have pushed it out already. I mean if we can push out a kid, we can push out a tampon, right?

    Liked by 1 person

    • Haha that was my thought, but it seems that it’s really stuck in there. I can’t even find it. But I’m 95% sure it’s there.

      I found the cheap clinic I went to when I was young and made an appointment for tomorrow morning. They do a sliding scale and I’m unemployed so it’s probably going to be like $15.

      Like

    • I’m doing like a live-blogging of this experience. There are already two posts after this (one where I find my cervix and another in which I call to make the appointment). Stay tuned for future posts about what actually ends up happening!

      Like

  8. I really like what you are up too. Such clever work and coverage! Keep up the terrific work. I’ve included you to my personal blogroll.

    Like

  9. I’ve totally done this…more than once. I finally went to the Urgent Care Clinic and had the doc check me out, just so I could have my sanity back. Totally worth it. Avoided the embarrassment of having to look my regular GYN in the face again and avoided the costly ER bill :)

    Liked by 1 person

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