By now I’m sure you’ve all heard of the sex spreadsheet a husband made documenting his attempts at lovemaking and his wife’s responses (usually shutdowns) that went viral. (Pish-posh to the things that ‘go viral’ nowadays, amirite?)
At first I saw it while scrolling through my Facebook newsfeed. I didn’t click on the article, but I read the ‘excuses’ from the thumbnail and had a little laugh. Then I realized hey, I say those things a lot. (Well, said because there’s currently no hanky-panky going on in this house.)
And I thought those reasons aren’t excuses, they’re real-life true reasons for not being in the mood to be fondled and have your junk all exposed and pawed at.
I’m going to get to writing a post explaining this sometime in the future, but I don’t shower as much as the average person. I loathe getting wet. I hate brushing my hair. I despise the process of drying off and finding new clothes and putting them on. I don’t know why. But I have to work myself up for a few days, thinking about how horrible the shower is going to be but then thinking more about how horribly dirty I’m getting before I manage to take one. And even then, it’s painful. Literally.
This might be a result of my Eeyore Syndrome, I’m not sure. Either way, it’s not an excuse. It’s me trying to explain as truthfully as possible why I’m not comfortable hopping-on-the-good-foot-and-doing-the-bad-thing*. If I feel gross, I don’t want you to feel my grossness. If I smell gross, why would I want you anywhere near areas that have a tendency to smell a certain way even when they’re clean?
(I’m not saying I don’t wash up and make sure I’m sanitary — I do, but that still doesn’t mean I feel clean enough to expose myself to your every desire.)
So, there’s that. We don’t personally know these people. We don’t know if this woman was making excuses or simply had legitimate reasons for not being in the mood.
But more importantly, why do we need an excuse to not have sex? Why can’t we just not be in the mood, and have that be okay?
I feel like this whole thing plays into the ‘women owe their husbands sex simply because they’re married’ thing. Or even the other way around, but since this particular spreadsheet is focusing on the man wanting sex and the woman not, I’m going to focus on that stereotype.
I still thought this whole ordeal was kind of funny, but a little bit sad, when I came across the segment on the Kidd Kraddick show in which they address this ‘issue.’
Everyone and their mother, it seems, has a different view on who’s in the wrong here. Some side with the wife because — immaturity. Others side with the husband because — sex. You can tell right off the bat how the members of the Kidd Kraddick show feel, since ‘lame excuses’ is in their headline.
Usually I love the show, but I did not agree with this particular segment. They took calls from people who told stories about the worst excuses they gave or were given to avoid having sex. I don’t know what made me so mad, honestly, but it just all seemed so clear to me after listening to the stereotypical manner in which they discussed this topic.
always usually about men being shot down by women’s ‘lame excuses.’ But you know what? No excuse is ‘lame,’ because if someone, anyone, isn’t in the mood, there should be no pressure for them to perform.
Do you think it’s going to help your relationship to pressure your partner into something they don’t want to do? ‘Cause I don’t, but who knows, maybe I don’t know what I’m talking about.
But wait, I do.
I’ve been in a relationship in which my partner went through a serious dry spell. He never wanted to have sex, and I felt horrible because of it. I made advances constantly and he shot me down every time. I started to complain nonstop about how he must not be attracted to me anymore and all that crap. It went on like this for months.
Until one day, we talked. He explained that it had nothing to do with me, and he actually felt horrible for not being in the mood, and every time I complained it simply made him want to retreat even more. He didn’t give me excuses — he told me the truth. And we communicated. I vowed to take his feelings into consideration and stop complaining all the time, and he promised to try to allow me to get him in the mood, so long as I wouldn’t take offense if it didn’t work. We worked through our issues and started having sex regularly again.
Then I was in a relationship in which I went through a dry spell. And my partner felt the same way I did in the previous relationship. Only, I didn’t go about it the way my past partner did — I made ‘excuses.’ I felt so pressured to have sex whenever and wherever and to beat that damn women never want it stereotype that I always had another reason why I didn’t want to get down and dirty. Sometimes those reasons were partly valid, but overall, I just wasn’t in the mood. And having to come up with excuses all the time and being bugged about it didn’t help. On the rare occasion that I did want to have sex, something happened that killed the mood and I didn’t want to anymore.
That relationship did not last. (I mean, neither of them did, but the first one ended for completely different reasons that had nothing to do with our sex life.)
We, as women, as human beings, should not feel pressured to give excuses. Our partners, and the rest of the world, should be respectful of our feelings and our wishes. Sometimes we’re just not in the mood. Sometimes we don’t want ice cream. Sometimes we don’t want to watch a certain show. Sometimes we don’t want sex. It’s really that simple.
Relationships aren’t about excuses or sex. Relationships are about communication. Maybe if that sex spreadsheet couple were better at communicating, they wouldn’t be having this problem in the first place.
Maybe if women felt comfortable enough telling their spouses “I don’t know why, but I’m just not in the mood,” and then their spouse said “I’ll work through it with you” instead of jumping to no-sexy-time-ever conclusions, couples all around the world wouldn’t be having similar problems.
Just because a couple is dating, or married, does not mean either partner owes the other sex. It means the couple should be dedicated to working on their issues and helping each other.
*(The only person, other than myself, I’ve ever heard use the term ‘hopping on the good foot and doing the bad thing‘ is my son’s father. I highly doubt he coined it, so someone out there please tell me you’re familiar with it.)
Facebook: Nonsense & Shenanigans / Twitter: @nonsenanigans
Have you ever been in a relationship in which one of you had a ‘dry spell’? How did you work through it? Do you often feel pressured to give ‘excuses’ when really you’re just not in the mood? Has a relationship ever ended because of it? Do you think women feel more pressure to come up with excuses than just tell the truth? Let me know!