Banana Shlong

I had a really, really weird dream last night (or rather, today because it’s 2:30pm and I just woke up). Parts of it are already leaving me, but others are sticking with me more vividly than most dreams.

My best friend, Luke, and I (who have a history of dating and/or fucking and/or being us against the world) started dating again. Or fucking. I think it was both.

He was living in the Village House (which I still haven’t introduced you to yet, sorry) with some other random people. I went to visit him and he convinced me to play this real-life video game type thing. I forget what it was called. But I actually had to run around and do stuff for real and almost die and shit, but that was perfectly normal in this dreamland. Some famous guy, I think Bruce Willis, was on our team.

At first I denied. I don’t play video games. I don’t play any games really unless they involve a toddler. I was horrible at “man hunt” when we were teenagers, even though it was basically just hide-and-seek with a grownup name to make us feel cooler.

Somehow Luke convinced me to play and I screwed everything up and almost killed us all, but Bruce Willis came to the rescue and when it was all over we just laughed about how tragic I was. At that point I remembered that I had played before and rocked it. I don’t know why that matters. Maybe it’s my newfound low self-esteem spilling into my dreams. No no, I’m not always the worst player ever — I’ve managed to not die several times.

Then they reminded me that they had played with me before and I had sucked every time. I countered that the times they were referring to were some of my first ever playing. Then we all went on the balcony and let our birds go. We had birds that represented us, or we turned into birds, or something.

I think we were playing in the Village House the whole time, but it had transformed. So it went back to normal and Luke and I went inside. Bruce Willis, I guess, went on to do more badass shit because he’s even badass in dreamland. Or maybe it was George Clooney. I’m sticking with Bruce Willis.

So we went into a room with a bunch of Luke’s friends I somehow didn’t know, and Luke and I started getting close and kissy and mushy and all that. This is when we decided to start officially dating I think. Then the couch we were on transformed into a bed and the room got like 10,000 feet longer so all the other people were still in it but super far away. As we were cuddling some sexy-time talk started happening, but it was real weird. Luke turned into his other best friend Xavier, who happens to be another one of my best-friends-doubling-as-one-of-my-ex’s.

(Okay stop. Is ex’s spelled like that with the apostrophe, or with another e like exes? Okay start again.)

Only he was still Luke, in my dream. I didn’t even realize his body and demeanor had changed until I woke up and recollected the dream.

But Luke/maybe-not-Luke made this weird supposed-to-be-sexual hand motion and I giggled and cuddled closer to him which somehow put my head right next to his crotch. And then (PG-13 alert!)(Or maybe R, I’m not sure how that works) his penis came out and I started like, kinda suckling the side of it but it was mushy like a banana. And that was normal. But I was afraid none of it would be left for later so I stopped. I still don’t understand, do these guys in my dream only get one use of their shlongs? Because that wouldn’t make any sense because both Luke and Xavier have kids.

Then we were driving in a car. Luke was back to normal Luke — no signs of Xavier remained. Someone else was driving, Luke was in the front passenger seat and I was behind him. We were holding hands like we used to do in real life, interlocking fingers over his shoulder. And suddenly we weren’t in a car — Luke wasn’t with me anymore, he was in the same room in the Village House as before and I was walking into the house with a rather large group of my male friends. I don’t recognize any of them now that I’m awake.

I had no pants on. My friends trailed behind me and I went ahead to meet Luke, I guess to pull something sexy over on him. But his girlfriend Nicole was there. In the dream, we were both still with our significant others but we didn’t seem to realize that until later. The couch that had turned into a bed was now a table, and Luke, his girlfriend, and a bunch of other random faces sat around it playing a card game.

I quickly ducked into the next room that had only a mattress on the floor and put my pants on. They were in my purse. My friends appeared and I directed them to an open loft area outside the rooms with an incredibly unrealistic long couch. They all started making silly poses, sticking their butts out and pouting their lips. I don’t know why. I also don’t know why I went back into the room where Luke was and told him ‘They’re all acting like flight attendants or stewardesses. I forget what they like to be called.’ I know flight attendants is preferred. I guess I didn’t in the dream. I have no idea why butts sticking out and pouty lips made me think of flight attendants.

I sat down on the floor behind Luke and Nicole and overheard her answers from their card game. It wasn’t a playing card game, like poker, but more like an answering card game. You, I guess, picked cards and had to answer the questions on them. Nicole got a question that asked if she wanted to break up with the person she was dating. She said yes, then, realizing what she had done, explained to Luke that she didn’t mean him, she meant the guy with whom she was having an affair. She acted like it was so normal.

Luke was confused and mad, and demanded an explanation. Nicole told him that she wasn’t happy with him but also couldn’t find it in herself to leave — she still wanted to give him a chance. It was all very strange.

Then I woke up. At least I think I did — Holden started attacking me when I was halfway done writing and hasn’t let up since, so I may have forgotten the end. And my concentration went from 100% to shit, so I can’t even remember what I wrote anymore. My body’s not used to these new meds.



What was the weirdest dream you ever had? Do you believe that dreams mean something, that our subconscious tries to tell us things, or that our dreams don’t really mean anything? Let me know!

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8 thoughts on “Banana Shlong

  1. Lol. LOL. I am so fucking embarrassed to look at myself in the mirror when I get lesbian dreams. And such hot they are! I don’t even know how sex happens in those dreams, but I wake up all horny. Haha.
    I guess I need to revisit my sexuality and “label” myself as a bisexual :D
    p.s. : Just in case you’re any interested I was a lesbian for a certain phase in my life about 6 years back. (“Girl on Girl” and “Love is not Singular” in my blog) Lol I feel like such a shameless pimp putting in my post names here, but I swear this is my first such pimp-ery :P
    I absolutely love your blog- the honesty, the humor, the quirks, the normalcy in abnormality. I feel comfortable here.
    I HATE such long comments. Ignore the fuck out of me if you wish.

    Liked by 1 person

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