Friends Don’t Let Friends . . .

Last Wednesday I was cleaning up the GIANT mess of cereal, milk, and pudding in my son’s (plush carpeted) room when the doorbell rang. But it wasn’t just like ‘bing-bong,‘ oh no. It was much worse than that.

I seriously thought the fucking world was ending. I thought the Zombie Apocalypse was happening and someone was coming to my house for safety. (In hindsight, I have no idea why anyone would come here.) It was like ‘BING-BONG/BING-BING-BING-BING-BING-BING/BING-BONG-BING-BONG/BING-BING/BING-BONG‘.

You would have thought the world was ending, too.

We don’t use the front door so it’s pretty difficult to get to and I was in the back of the house. It’s not a large house by any means, but it’s large enough that by the time I get to the front door, whoever’s there is usually walking away. So I had to throw down the gross, milky wipes and possibly damaged pudding-y iPad and sprint to the living room.

Then I then had to maneuver around toy-landmines and I stepped on something that hurt like hell.

Once I got past the death-toys I had to open the door to the front office, which is this big hunk of solid wood that’s about 50-years-old with a 60-year-old lock that sticks. So I had to push my whole body against the door while simultaneously yanking on the lock.

After I got through that door, I had to maneuver my way around boxes of crap (because we use our front office more for storage than anything else) to the front door, which was locked in every possible way. As I was unlocking it, the person (whom I still assumed was running from zombies) started POUNDING on the door with their fists. Or maybe their head. Who the hell knows.

By then I was convinced the Zombie Apocalypse was in full-effect. Why would anyone ever be that persistent to get into my house? No, something was up. I was about to either save someone’s life or lose my own.

And then I opened the door, hurriedly, expecting to see a bloodied mass standing in front of me.

Instead I saw some fucking bald guy walking back to his fucking El Camino with his teased-blonde-haired wife in it because obviously I hadn’t gotten there fucking fast enough for him.

I just kind of gaped at him. I had forgotten there was still a slimy wipe in my hand until that point. But, even though this man wasn’t dying, I was sure it was still important.

It wasn’t. He gave me a big smile and then probably sensed how pissed I was getting because he shied away a little when he asked if my fucking car was for sale. When I told him no, he said, “Oh, I thought because it had no plates . . .”

Yeah, douche, it has no plates because it’s uninsured and unregistered but it’s IN MY FUCKING DRIVEWAY AND THERE’S NO FOR SALE SIGN ON IT. Or even near it. Or even on the whole fucking street. People keep cars they aren’t driving, you know. FUCK.

I said some sort of variation of that, he apologized for bothering me, and we both slammed our doors.

Right now I’m making a sign that reads “DON’T ASK UNLESS YOU HAVE 10GRAND IN CASH IN HAND”. The car’s worth six at best.

Let this serve as a lesson to you all — Friends don’t let friends attack strangers’ doorbells and doors unless the Zombie Apocalypse is actually happening.

*  *  *  *  *


What’s the worst doorbell-ringing story that’s ever happened to you? Let me know!


 

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23 thoughts on “Friends Don’t Let Friends . . .

  1. it was our second night with our new puppy and he was crying (as puppies settling in do)….our next door neighbour came and rang on our doorbell….. now that wouldn’t be too bad but it was 3am and we had never met here before in the two years that we had lived here! and then she had the nerve to ask whether we could hear the puppy…. uuuhhhhh no…he is in our house but we cant hear a thing! what a dumb question! (and yes I know it is annoying to hear anything crying at 3am but it was obvious it was a puppy and it was only night 2 and hadn’t been going for that long otherwise we would have gone to him….I mean seriously if he had bothered her that much the first night come over during the day and say something…a puppy is going to cry for a few nights till he is used to the house etc!) sheeesh (or maybe its just me that thinks that is weird????)

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you!

      And oh no, Legos are strictly forbidden in my house until my son’s older — but he does have a bunch of little toys (cars, little people, airplanes). I think it was a little hotwheels airplane WITH A PROPELLER.

      Like

  2. The house next to us is a rental and for a period of time it was rented by a drug dealer, girlfriend & child (officially I guess I have to say allegedly – we knew though since we have some friends that are cops and warned us).

    So it was close to midnight and all of a sudden there is a loud, continous banging on our front door! So needless to say I answer the door with my gun…boy was he shocked!

    So he tells me he has “just been robbed” and needed to use my phone (as he is holding his cell phone in his hands). No friggen way I am letting this dude in – so I tell him I will call the cops and slammed the door in his face.

    Most likely a drug deal gone bad. He moved outta the house a few weeks later. So that is my worst door bell story (well technically knocking but close enough)!

    Liked by 1 person

  3. “Right now I’m making a sign that reads “DON’T ASK UNLESS YOU HAVE 10GRAND IN CASH IN HAND”. The car’s worth six at best.”

    F’ing hilarious! Made me giggle.

    We have super-determined Jehovah’s Witnesses in this town. Our road is a death-road & people drive on it like they’ve had meth just before jumping into their cards. The road has no sidewalks and it’s up in the mountains. Add to that it’s very steep, and yet the Jehovah’s take their chances – they don’t care

    They’ve showed up at my front door in their finest suits and dresses. Unfortunately the one time they did come by & knock on my door, I was manic, so I was nice to them.

    Big mistake.

    Next time they contacted me I was no longer manic, and so I blamed Craig….I told them that my husband was totally against JW & to please never never ever ever come back…and it worked. But hardly anyone shows up here ever. I live in a neighborhood of weird recluses. Of course I’m not one of them, right? ;)

    XO
    Dy

    Liked by 1 person

      • Do you have a Satan costume you could make & wear next time they stop by? You have such a flair for creativity & I’m sure you could cook up something grand along the lines of (forgive me – if Jack already reads this may not be the best idea ) “I love the Devil!” shirt or “Satan Turns Me On!” or “I Worship Satan!” When they stop by you could casually mention out of Jack’s earshot that you now celebrate the Black Mass. I think they may avoid you after that.

        Liked by 1 person

        • Well, I AM Wiccan/have a lot of wiccan books and DO have a “Jesus loves pornstars” shirt. That’s the best I got so far. I was nice to them last time, too, mainly because they caught me off-guard and called me “Jack’s wife”. Maybe just letting them know we’re not married and my child was born out of wedlock and Jack’s not his real father will be enough…

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          • I’m so dumb – i thought Jack was your child – forgive me! Yeah, maybe letting them know you live in sin (kidding!) could work. One of my best friends was Wiccan – Wiccans rock! I read a bunch of Scott Cunningham books etc. and looked into embracing Wicca back then.

            Liked by 1 person

          • I know – you’ve state that info. clearly, and I just had a brainfart!!! Thanks for continuing to write about all kinds of interesting topics – I love how I never know what to expect. It’s lots of fun! p.s. strangely I haven’t spotted Nephilia lately…has she fled?

            Liked by 1 person

          • Thank you! I always get worried that I don’t have a “niche” and that it will turn people away, but I guess that’s why the name fits!

            Once she gets called out / when people realize she goes around to EVERY blog post about infidelity and spews her nonsense, she seems to leave. Plus, I haven’t posted any infidelity or mental health posts — those seem to be the two subjects she looks for. She follows me, though, so if she wants to say something else she will.

            Liked by 1 person

          • Your blog is truly unique and don’t ever try to fit in a boring niche!

            Re: your troll….ahhhhh, what’s that proverb? “If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all”? I think I’ll stick to that, but just for today! ;)

            Liked by 1 person

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