You People from New Jersey

You know those annoying phone surveys and those annoying Christians on the boardwalk who want to ask you questions and those annoying Please rate your support experience questions that every sane person in the world hates?

I love them.

Seriously. I’ve tried to get paid to take surveys numerous times but I can never figure it out. (Or I make like 5 cents.)

When I was a teenager and all of my “cool” (read: freak, loser, outcast, druggie, awesome) friends would throw drinks at the teenager crusaders and run lightning fast away from them, I would seek them out. I adored answering their questions and making them think. Plus, getting their side of the story was kind of fun, too.

When the phone rings and it’s a survey person, I get incredibly angry when my dad or Jack hang up the phone. It’s like Of course I want to spend three hours on the phone answering the same question only slightly different over and over, why the hell don’t you?!

*  *  *  *  *

If you don’t know by now, I hate people. The blogging universe has made it a little easier for me to connect and stop hating humanity so much, but I don’t really see you guys as ‘real’ people. You’re my blogging buddies. You get a free pass. If we met in real life I’d probably want to spoon your eyeballs out. (So it might not be wise to arrange a meeting with me.)

So this love affair with talking to people most humans hate can’t be about them. It has to be about me. And we all know I love talking about myself, so that must be it. I’m okay with that.

Months and months ago I participated in a radio survey thing. I was sent two booklets (and $4 for participating) and asked to fill them out according to which radio station(s) I listened to and when. I did that, but I never sent them in.

So the other day when someone called from the same company I completely expected to get bitched out. Instead, they thanked me for my involvement and asked me to partake in a survey.

Hell yes.

*  *  *  *  *

The woman on the phone sounded adorable and southern and said she liked you people from New Jersey and I was like Yeah, well you’re the only one. The only awesome one who knows her shit!

«New Jersey Skyline from Battery Park NY - cropped» de Paolo Costa Baldi - Trabajo propio. Disponible bajo la licencia Creative Commons Attribution 3.0 vía Wikimedia Commons -

                                         “New Jersey Skyline from Battery Park NY – cropped” by                                           Paolo Costa Baldi on Wikimedia Commons (CC BY 3.0)

So we were off to a good start immediately. I wanted to take her home already.

Then the questions started and I realized just how sad my life has become.

*  *  *  *  *

Her: On weekdays, do you watch TV between the hours of 6am-10am? 11am-4pm? 7pm-11pm?
Me: Yes, to all of the above.
Her: Do you watch [some random news channel]?
Me: I don’t even know what that is.
Her: It’s a news channel. [WXYZ WILDWOOD NEWSCRAP.]
Me: Oh, I should have been more specific — I only watch TV because my son watches TV and I get sucked into his shows.
Her: That counts. So I take it I can assume all the [WXYZ WILDWOOD NEWSCRAP] related-answers are no?
Me: Yes.
Her: Okay, I still have to go through them so I’m going to do it as fast as possible and answer for you. Stop me if I’m wrong. [blahblahblahWXYZblahblahNOblahblah]
Me: You should be an auction talker person.
Her: If I had a dollar for every time someone told me that!
Me: Start charging people a dollar, and then go be an auction talker person. You’d probably make a lot more money than you do asking me all these questions.
Her: And deal with friendlier people. But no, I get caught on my words.
Me: Honestly I think they do, too. They just keep going so no one knows.
Her: Yeah, they roll with it.

*  *  *  *  *

Her: [Asks a bunch of questions]
Me: No, no, no.
Holden: Yes, yes, yes!
Me: No.
Holden: Yes!
Her: Hahaha, is he making fun of you?
Me: Yeah, he’s saying yes every time I say no.

*  *  *  *  *

Her: Okay, now I’m going to list off TV channels and you tell me if you’ve watched them in the last 7 days, between the hours of 6am and 10am.
Me: I can tell you the only two I’ve watched have been Nick Jr. and Disney Jr. And the same goes for every other time period in the day.

*  *  *  *  *

And this is my life.

*  *  *  *  *

Do you like to participate in surveys like this? Or do you avoid them at all costs? Does your life consist of your kid and nothing else like mine does? Let me know!


Check out these great features from Nonsense & Shenanigans:

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12 thoughts on “You People from New Jersey

  1. I can completely relate with the viewing habits, when the little one is here the only channels on the box are cbeebies, and well cbeebies (its the BBC, for under 3’s). Oh, and Kerrang, sometimes she likes a bit of rock. Go figure. Another interesting read :)

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I’m awful with marketing calls. They greet so cheerfully I know its THEM. I decline everything before they get another word out. Recently, in the midst of work and pressure etc, I shouted down the phone “If this is anything other than life or death, stop talking to me”. And to reinforce the ogre in me, I have no children but do nothing outside of work than watch TV. No news, just rubbish escapism :) Love it!

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Soon he will go to school and you can watch whatever crap you want while he’s there, including WXYZ WILDWOOD NEWSCRAP, if you are so inclined. I certainly don’t watch the news when I have a chance to chill in front of the tube.


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