This is number two in the three-part response series. If you missed it, read part one — I Guess I’m Not a Woman.
In What Women Want (In My Experience), Paul lists the things he believes women want. They’re normal stereotypical things, like babies and money. So I’m here to spin things around and tell y’all What Stereotypical Men Want (In My Experience).
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Unprotected Sex With No Consequence. Of course, who doesn’t? It feels better. But sometimes the idea of having a little me running around or dying when I’m 35 from a horrible disease or getting sores on my lady bits is enough to make me stop and say fuck off if there’s no protection available. Not men, though! Instead they’ll vow they’re the best at the pull-out method. News flash: you’re not. So Dude, don’t always rely on the woman to have protection or be on birth control. Prepare yourselves, or you will have one of those terrifying things listed above.
A Spotless House. No matter if the woman is a home-maker or works 60+ hours a week, she better have those dishes done, floors scrubbed, and bed made by the time Dude comes home. It doesn’t matter if he sits on the couch all day getting Cheetos dust on the freshly-vacuumed carpet; it doesn’t matter if there are 5 little spawns of Satan (see number 1) running around; it doesn’t matter if her mother just died. She better get her ass in some rubber gloves and get to work.
Money. Yes, this is typically what men think women want. But did you ever wonder why Dude is so obsessed with not giving you his money? Because he wants yours. He wants to keep all of his and keep yours and give it to you once a month as an allowance. He wants to make sure you can’t buy that new expensive item you want, and earned, because it’s ‘not practical‘. Let me give you a tip here — men aren’t practical. Go get yourself a woman and find out what pleasure’s really about. (Oh, and money-handling equality. That too.)
For Your Friends To Disappear. Yep, this one stays the same. Paul says that women want Dude’s friends to disappear, but come on, you know it’s the opposite. What kind of man wants his lady around other women? That just leads to withholding sex, less time to clean, gossiping and spending money, dontchaknow. Dude doesn’t want his personal details being spread around the watering hole, but he’ll more than willingly tell yours. He also doesn’t even want to be your shoulder to cry on, let alone your friends’.
Threesomes. Lots of them. With nearly any other woman. The reason Dude looks at other women is because he’s imagining a threesome. It’s the one, ultimate, life-long goal of all men. He’ll probably approach you about having one several times over the course of your relationship. But then, if you agree, it won’t be as fun as he thinks. Men tend to get a bit awkward in threesomes. If he manages to totally rock it, you’ll never hear the end of it ever again. Sex with you just won’t cut it anymore. So be careful what you wish for, Dude.
Food. That old adage “The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach” is absolutely true. Make him a damn sandwich, now. If you want to keep your man it’s the only way. If you’re like me and can’t cook, and can barely even microwave without screwing the food up, you’re going to be lonely forever. Might as well start collecting cats now. So women, even if your man has an eating disorder or diabetes or high cholesterol or anything else that will affect what he eats, make him food all the time. High fat food. MANLY food. And to really seal the deal, feed it to him. Feed it to him while he watches football and drinks beer. And then strip for him, too. While feeding him.
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How’s that for stereotyping based on limited personal experience?
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This post is second in a three-part response post to What Women Want (In My Experience). If you missed it, make sure you read part one — I Guess I’m Not A Woman — and stay tuned for part three — What Women Really Want.
What do you think about these stereotypes? Do they make you mad? Sad? Giggle? Does this describe you? Does it describe anyone you’ve dated? Let me know!