So this is what’s been going on.
The last week has been weird.
I randomly decided to chop my hair off. Really, I just gave myself bangs, but it was super random and I just chopped them off. The next day I chopped them shorter, and the next day shorter still. I think I like them now.
I planned an affair with one of my friends, who shall remain nameless and genderless. Nate gave me the okay and this person isn’t married, but they are in a relationship, so it was not a good idea. I even messaged my other friend telling her how not good of an idea it was, but I couldn’t stop. We talked about what we would do and when we would do it and how we would do it, and it ended in me sending a topless pic and masturbating because of how worked up I got.
We were supposed to meet up sometime this week, but this week ends tomorrow and I don’t see anything happening. Although we still haven’t officially taken the idea off the table.
This would have been completely and totally normal for the old me, but not the me within the past 5 years. I knew (and know) it’s not a good idea and not at all the type of person I want to be anymore, but for some reason I can’t come out and say that or stop going along with it.
I asked Nate why I’m always ‘the other woman’ and he said it’s because I’m easy. But I haven’t slept with anyone except him and Jack for the past . . . 6 years or so, so I don’t know what he’s talking about. I was easy. And okay with it.
Other than that, nothing spectacular has happened but things have just felt off. I’ve been sleeping much less, waking up between 2-7am on my own and being up for the rest of the day; staring at my computer all day but not being able to write or read; so irritable I snap at Jack for looking at me.
I guess that’s better than snapping at my son, which I tend to do while depressed.
Yesterday was the worse. I’ve been shaky over the past week, but usually I don’t mind it. It doesn’t make me feel bad. Yesterday it did.
I hated everyone. I kept having to run out to do random errands and the traffic was horrible and the people were horrible and the weather was horrible and I just hated everything. I yelled at everything. I snapped at Jack some more.
I cried because I spilled some water. I forgot half the things I was supposed to do.
Finally I explained to Jack that I was freaking the fuck out and he backed off and helped me more. Which was amazing, because that has rarely ever happened.
All I wanted to do was watch TV but Holden has control of the TV so instead I laid in bed. My mom was unable to take him on Tuesday, when she usually does, so I didn’t get my normal break and that made things worse.
Today is for relaxing. I’ve been sitting outside in the shade all day and popping bubble wrap. My dad agreed to come to therapy next week (that’s another story) and supports my day of relaxation so I avoid getting how I was yesterday.
Holden’s taking all the sand out of his sandbox and he’s not supposed to but I can’t find it in myself to discipline him right now.
There’s a squirrel climbing a tree with a nut in its mouth staring at me.
And that’s about all, minus all the other stuff.
(p.s. Hi Nephila.)