p.s.

So this is what’s been going on.

The last week has been weird.

I randomly decided to chop my hair off. Really, I just gave myself bangs, but it was super random and I just chopped them off. The next day I chopped them shorter, and the next day shorter still. I think I like them now.

I planned an affair with one of my friends, who shall remain nameless and genderless. Nate gave me the okay and this person isn’t married, but they are in a relationship, so it was not a good idea. I even messaged my other friend telling her how not good of an idea it was, but I couldn’t stop. We talked about what we would do and when we would do it and how we would do it, and it ended in me sending a topless pic and masturbating because of how worked up I got.

We were supposed to meet up sometime this week, but this week ends tomorrow and I don’t see anything happening. Although we still haven’t officially taken the idea off the table.

This would have been completely and totally normal for the old me, but not the me within the past 5 years. I knew (and know) it’s not a good idea and not at all the type of person I want to be anymore, but for some reason I can’t come out and say that or stop going along with it.

I asked Nate why I’m always ‘the other woman’ and he said it’s because I’m easy. But I haven’t slept with anyone except him and Jack for the past . . . 6 years or so, so I don’t know what he’s talking about. I was easy. And okay with it.

Other than that, nothing spectacular has happened but things have just felt off. I’ve been sleeping much less, waking up between 2-7am on my own and being up for the rest of the day; staring at my computer all day but not being able to write or read; so irritable I snap at Jack for looking at me.

I guess that’s better than snapping at my son, which I tend to do while depressed.

Yesterday was the worse. I’ve been shaky over the past week, but usually I don’t mind it. It doesn’t make me feel bad. Yesterday it did.

I hated everyone. I kept having to run out to do random errands and the traffic was horrible and the people were horrible and the weather was horrible and I just hated everything. I yelled at everything. I snapped at Jack some more.

I cried because I spilled some water. I forgot half the things I was supposed to do.

Finally I explained to Jack that I was freaking the fuck out and he backed off and helped me more. Which was amazing, because that has rarely ever happened.

All I wanted to do was watch TV but Holden has control of the TV so instead I laid in bed. My mom was unable to take him on Tuesday, when she usually does, so I didn’t get my normal break and that made things worse.

Today is for relaxing. I’ve been sitting outside in the shade all day and popping bubble wrap. My dad agreed to come to therapy next week (that’s another story) and supports my day of relaxation so I avoid getting how I was yesterday.

Holden’s taking all the sand out of his sandbox and he’s not supposed to but I can’t find it in myself to discipline him right now.

There’s a squirrel climbing a tree with a nut in its mouth staring at me.

And that’s about all, minus all the other stuff.

(p.s. Hi Nephila.)

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15 thoughts on “p.s.

  1. Sounds like you have been having a crap-tac-u-lar time! At the very least you like the way your hair looks (see – a silver lining in everything)! Take it easy, take care of yourself and thinking of you!

    Liked by 2 people

  2. This will pass. Sounds like mixed symptoms (depressive and hypomanic). Maybe you need more mood stabilizer for the time being. Can you call your pdoc? Taking the day off is a great idea. Rest. Heal. Do NOT hook up with friend.

    Liked by 2 people

    • I really feel quite anxious as well. I don’t feel anything like how I did when I was depressed, but I also don’t know much about all of this. My therapist and I went over the lists and it seems I have a lot of manic and anxious symptoms.

      I won’t see him again until the 30th. I’ve been trying to get in earlier, but the best they can do is put me on a waiting list.

      Liked by 1 person

      • Get on the waiting list. Take it easy. Reduce stress. Let your dad and Jack know you need some space and help with Holden. If it helps, try yoga, breathing deeply, going for a walk, watching TV, reading a good book, or a taking nice bath.

        Liked by 1 person

        • My dad’s actually been keeping an eye on Holden if I have to run out to the store, which is awesome because running errands with a toddler is always hell, and Jack completely took over once he got home — dinner, changing, bedtime routine, etc. — and let me hide in the bedroom even after he worked a 9hour day, so I think they’re coming around. Perfect timing=]

          Everything else tends to stress me out more (other than TV). It’s like, if my anxiety knows I’m trying to get rid of it, it rebels and hits me harder.

          Liked by 1 person

  3. Anxiety is so under-rated as an illness. I don’t suffer, but I know quite a few who do and it can be crippling. Added to any other problem, it’s a miracle you can get out of bed!

    Liked by 1 person

  4. I’m sorry you’re having a difficult time. Not easy. I’m concerned you are contemplating making life changing decisions during this precarious time ie. hooking up with your friend. Just shelve it for the time being. Right now, because of all your symptoms, your mind is not functioning in a rational manner. So its not the time for decision-making. Put it to one side and tell yourself you’ll come back to it later, once you’ve seen your doc. I’ve made bad sexual/love decisions during unstable times in my life, so I know how destructive they can turn out to be. Take it easy, rest up, and treat yourself kindly. You are going to be okay.

    Liked by 1 person

    • I KNOW I shouldn’t be making ANY decisions, really, but I just can’t stop myself. Thankfully nothing’s come from that discussion, so I’m hoping he’ll just brush it off and not bring it up again so I can do the same.

      My anxiety seems to be in check today. Not sure about mania — I organized my whole kitchen (which is NOT something I would normally do) and am planning on dyeing my hair in a few minutes (that’s normal, but I’ve had the dye for months and think it’s weird I’ve decided to do it now).

      Liked by 1 person

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