Why Drinking Alone is Awesome

Drinking alone is taboo. Drinking at all is taboo for me. But last night I caved and bought some wine coolers (I was craving beer but those Pineapple Smirnoff are just so good) mainly because my anxiety has been out of control and I just wanted to relax. So yeah, I self-medicated. After one Smirnoff I passed out so obviously it worked.

sleeping

The thing is, Jack decided to have a few drinks with me. On my wine cooler run I also got him a bottle of rum. So, I guess, he had this idea in his head of how the night would go and my impromptu snoring was not part of his plan.

I don’t exactly know what was part of his plan, but I could sense the disappointment as I vaguely heard him ask if I was going to sleep last night, and again this morning when I realized he had posted on Facebook quite a few times about having a bad day, drinking alone, and wanting company. My drooling self was not cutting it.

All of this made me realize just how freeing drinking alone is. You may think it’s a sign of alcoholism, I say it’s a sign that you’re in control. For example:

1. There are no expectations when you drink alone. No one is waiting for you, no one is hoping for your crazy side to come out, no one is planning on your traditional naked song and dance. You can still do that stuff if you want to, but you’re the only audience member and you certainly won’t be disappointed if you don’t see that money-maker tonight.

drinking

2. With no expectations come no disappointments. We briefly went over this above, but you seriously don’t have to worry about anything. When you’re alone you make no promises, except to yourself and you probably won’t remember them tomorrow anyway. If your performance is sub-par, your dildo is the only one who has to know.

3. No one will be offended by your nudity. People tend to get offended by any nudity at all. It never made any sense to me. I’m a naked drunk. Actually, I’m a naked person. I get naked a lot. And every time, without fail, some girl would see my nakedness and get offended because her boyfriend was there. In another room. With his eyes closed. When drinking alone, the only person who might get offended is your cat. And those fuckers are offended by everything.

censored

4. Your chances of being raped lessen tremendously. You may not have your friends to look out for you, but unless you manage to wander out of your bedroom, out of your house, off your property, and into the arms of a stranger, there’s no one around to take advantage of you. The only regret you’ll have in the morning is not getting laid.

5. No one can shoot down your false self-confidence. You know you look amazing. You know you’re a better singer than Mariah Carrey. You know you are seriously the greatest person ever. And no one’s there to tell you you’re wrong. So rock it while you can, because you are awesome.

singing

6. Your vomit will only get on your own stuff. If you get that sudden urge to puke, you don’t have to worry about grabbing the wrong purse in which to purge your insides, or splashing on someone else’s shoes or washing a stranger’s sheets in the morning. You’ll probably even make it to your own bathroom, or at least have a pot already set up at the beginning of the night, but if you do get your grossness all over something, it will be your something, and you can leave it gross for however long you like.

7. No one’s around to see how embarrassing you’re being. You can text all the ex’s you want and, unless they’re blabber-mouths, you and them are the only ones who have to know. No friend to tell you how dumb you’re being when obviously you’re going to do it anyway. If you fall on your face no one will be there to pick you up, but no one will be there to put that shit on YouTube, either.

texting

8. No one will make fun of your drink. Who cares if you want to drink wine coolers? Who cares if you’re drinking wine out of the bottle, or straight whiskey, or gross beer? No one, that’s who. Drink whatever you want, whenever you want, in as much surplus as you want. Because you’re awesome.

*  *  *  *  *

So this drinking alone thing is seeming more and more alluring. Maybe I’ll take up a new hobby.


What are some reasons drinking alone is great for you? Let me know!


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