I Can’t Relate

[NOTE: This was written before my I Can’t Relate Because I’m Not Real post. I was in a bad, obsessive place and have not read over this. But I figured I should put it out there just because.]

 

I have yet to discuss this with my therapist, but I can’t relate. To any of you. To anyone.

On most days my depression isn’t caused by anything — it just is. On others, at least from what I believe, it’s caused by Jack and/or my dad.

But on days like today, it’s triggered by humanity. Americans, mainly. The people I know or interact with or read things about or from.

The internet, because if it weren’t for the internet I wouldn’t have a link to the outside world. So sometimes it’s good, in that it keeps me present. But often it’s bad, because it makes me hate all of you.

Although, I think I would feel the same way if these interactions happened in the real world. I just wouldn’t have anywhere to hide, so maybe it’s better this way.

But I seriously cannot relate.

A friend will post something on Facebook. If it doesn’t initially outrage me, which happens a lot, I’ll comment something simple. And somehow, someway, it will blow up. I mean, I enjoy debating and all that, but am I the only one who notices this?

Earlier I was reading through the comments on a thought my friend posted about Robin Williams. Specifically, it was about her distaste for those who were making jokes about his death. So I don’t know how it ended up with someone mentioning that he was an amazing actor, and then did crappy movies and faded away. But it did. That’s where I come in.

And then, seemingly out of the blue, another friend joined in with something else totally unrelated

Actually, I don’t feel like dissecting the whole conversation. Because that’s not what this is about, it’s just one thing (out of many) that triggered how I’m feeling right now.

So, here are 5 screenshots of the conversation, if you care to take a look. I don’t mind either way. But if you do, I’d appreciate someone telling me if they’re making sense or if I’m making sense or if I really just can’t fucking relate to anyone. (First person’s name is boxed out in black — also when I mention it in comments. Second person’s name is boxed out in red. Mine remains the same. First comment was from first person. Photos are small as I don’t want them taking over this entire post, so you must click on them to enlarge.)

So there. That’s done with. Onward.


I don’t understand humanity. I don’t understand any of it. I like to think of myself as a pretty intelligent person. I am always seeking out new information; I truly do have a ‘thirst for knowledge’.

I dropped out of high school and have only completed 46 credits at a community college, so I’m not prestigious or anything. But I pay attention to things and care about issues and adore education. I just don’t like school.

So I don’t think my unrelatability [not a word, oh well] stems from my smarts, or lack-thereof. I might be wrong.

I just can’t connect to anyone. On a deep level, on the surface. No one out there reaches me in that one special way.

I try not to be judgmental, but I am. I’m judging all of you in your ability to relate to me. You’re all failing.

Because that’s the other thing — I don’t think this is my fault. I don’t think I’m the odd man out. It’s you all — you’re the problem. I don’t expect everyone to believe the same things I do, but damn. Everyone I’ve encountered has some serious, deal-breaking issue that I cannot overlook. That depletes any connection we once had.

Usually it’s hostility or ignorance, or sheer stupidity. But if I find someone who is kind (but a little bit crude, like me) and educated (but aware of their ignorance, because everyone is), and has common sense (but not too much because silly mishaps are hilarious); if we finally get to a deeper level, it all comes crashing down.

It’s hard to explain at this point in time without sounding obsessively shallow. I did the dishes and now my mood isn’t as rage-filled as it is worn out.


 

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14 thoughts on “I Can’t Relate

  1. You connect with Nate, you connect with Holden. :) don’t be so hard on yourself. True, deep friendships are rare. At my work, I really dislike a few people, but I have to keep working with them, so I try to find the one or two things we have in common and focus on those. When conversation goes toward assholity or closed-minded ness, I try to excuse myself and go take a walk or something. As you said, nobody truly gets YOU, and I’m not trying to say I do, not at all. Just offering my perspective on interacting with people who seriously annoy me. Oh and that conv on FB–seems like they were focused on making their own point and not trying to listen to others. Xoxoxoxo

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Oh Tempest …

    ‘But I pay attention to things and care about issues and adore education. I just don’t like school.”

    No one ever gained anything more than regurgitated academics from going to school; education isn’t acquired in a classroom, education comes from exploring your interests and reaching your own conclusions. You are far better educated than most people I know who hold a doctorate degree …

    You so often say things I think but don’t say, and I admire you for that.

    You connect where it counts, you just don’t concern yourself with superficial bullshit – nor should you; stupid people are one-dimensional, maddening and boring. It takes depth of character, intelligence and an open mind to make people worth knowing beyond even, ‘Hello.’ In my fifty two years on this planet I have met only a handful — and you are one of them.

    T

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Two thoughts here:
    1) Don’t waste time debating with people who judge and do not understand depression or bipolar disorder or dual diagnosis. Recently a friend of my husband’s friend (who has bipolar disorder) asked me what I thought about Robin Williams suicide. I answered compassionately about depression and its effects on thinking. He responded that Williams was selfish and that it was probably autoerotic. Conversation about the suicide ended. I will not change this man’s mind.
    2) I have recently met a couple of folks (both addicts in recovery) who consider 95% of people idiots. I have no idea where that comes from. Some people look for and find idiocy. Some people forgive humans their flaws and look for the best in others. We are all mixed bags.

    Third thought: Let people in who seem trustworthy once you get to know them. Forgive them their flaws, their humanity. Please at the very least, consider me a genuine connection. We may be different in many ways, but people are more alike than they are different. We all need to love and be loved. Differences and “quirks” are what make us interesting to each other. Without challenges to our way of thinking and being, we would never learn or grow.

    Like

    • I’m one of those people who thinks 95% of people are idiots. It’s something I know I need to work on, but I need to take it one step at a time and right now I’m trying to mend my close relationships before I even begin to deal with my interpretation of humanity.

      And I do consider you a genuine connection, please don’t take this post the wrong way. It was written I think either the day before I got my diagnosis or the day of, when I was just in a really bad place. The connections I’ve made in blogging land have helped tremendously. I just felt like I should post it and put it out there instead of losing it in my drafts somewhere never to be seen again.

      Liked by 1 person

      • I wasn’t taking your post personally. I was simply offering an alternative. When we change our expectations (lower them), when we question our perceptions and challenge our perspectives, then real change is possible.

        Like

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