[NOTE: This was written before my I Can’t Relate Because I’m Not Real post. I was in a bad, obsessive place and have not read over this. But I figured I should put it out there just because.]
I have yet to discuss this with my therapist, but I can’t relate. To any of you. To anyone.
On most days my depression isn’t caused by anything — it just is. On others, at least from what I believe, it’s caused by Jack and/or my dad.
But on days like today, it’s triggered by humanity. Americans, mainly. The people I know or interact with or read things about or from.
The internet, because if it weren’t for the internet I wouldn’t have a link to the outside world. So sometimes it’s good, in that it keeps me present. But often it’s bad, because it makes me hate all of you.
Although, I think I would feel the same way if these interactions happened in the real world. I just wouldn’t have anywhere to hide, so maybe it’s better this way.
But I seriously cannot relate.
A friend will post something on Facebook. If it doesn’t initially outrage me, which happens a lot, I’ll comment something simple. And somehow, someway, it will blow up. I mean, I enjoy debating and all that, but am I the only one who notices this?
Earlier I was reading through the comments on a thought my friend posted about Robin Williams. Specifically, it was about her distaste for those who were making jokes about his death. So I don’t know how it ended up with someone mentioning that he was an amazing actor, and then did crappy movies and faded away. But it did. That’s where I come in.
And then, seemingly out of the blue, another friend joined in with something else totally unrelated
Actually, I don’t feel like dissecting the whole conversation. Because that’s not what this is about, it’s just one thing (out of many) that triggered how I’m feeling right now.
So, here are 5 screenshots of the conversation, if you care to take a look. I don’t mind either way. But if you do, I’d appreciate someone telling me if they’re making sense or if I’m making sense or if I really just can’t fucking relate to anyone. (First person’s name is boxed out in black — also when I mention it in comments. Second person’s name is boxed out in red. Mine remains the same. First comment was from first person. Photos are small as I don’t want them taking over this entire post, so you must click on them to enlarge.)
So there. That’s done with. Onward.
I don’t understand humanity. I don’t understand any of it. I like to think of myself as a pretty intelligent person. I am always seeking out new information; I truly do have a ‘thirst for knowledge’.
I dropped out of high school and have only completed 46 credits at a community college, so I’m not prestigious or anything. But I pay attention to things and care about issues and adore education. I just don’t like school.
So I don’t think my unrelatability [not a word, oh well] stems from my smarts, or lack-thereof. I might be wrong.
I just can’t connect to anyone. On a deep level, on the surface. No one out there reaches me in that one special way.
I try not to be judgmental, but I am. I’m judging all of you in your ability to relate to me. You’re all failing.
Because that’s the other thing — I don’t think this is my fault. I don’t think I’m the odd man out. It’s you all — you’re the problem. I don’t expect everyone to believe the same things I do, but damn. Everyone I’ve encountered has some serious, deal-breaking issue that I cannot overlook. That depletes any connection we once had.
Usually it’s hostility or ignorance, or sheer stupidity. But if I find someone who is kind (but a little bit crude, like me) and educated (but aware of their ignorance, because everyone is), and has common sense (but not too much because silly mishaps are hilarious); if we finally get to a deeper level, it all comes crashing down.
It’s hard to explain at this point in time without sounding obsessively shallow. I did the dishes and now my mood isn’t as rage-filled as it is worn out.