I live two blocks away from a bunch of fields and sports-areas. Football, cheerleading, track, softball, baseball, soccer, hockey. There’s a designated field or area for each sport. It’s nice and all, in that it’s a kid-friendly neighborhood, but it’s also highly annoying.
A few weeks ago Holden and I decided to walk down and watch a baseball game. Holden loves baseball so I thought it’d be good for him. I was wrong.
The kids playing couldn’t have been older than ten. But balls were flying over the fence like crazy — I was slightly afraid for my child’s life.
One of them accidentally slid right into another one. The sliding one look frazzled and slightly embarrassed as he slowly regained his balance and stood up; the slid-into one turned fucking red and stormed off.
His parents just happened to be standing right in front of me. The mom went off to see if he was okay, and when she returned she proudly announced that her baby boy said “he’s lucky I didn’t fucking hit him!” Then they continued to talk about how awesome their kid was and how horrible the other one was, and how they kind of wanted to hit him themselves. All because the other kid accidentally slid into theirs. Acci-fucking-dentally.
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A few days ago I was driving down the road right next to that baseball field and there were cars everywhere, parked where they shouldn’t be, and kids scattered all over the road. I went slowly, as I always do because there are killer bumps on that road anyway, and the kids would not move. I literally had to come to a complete stop for at least a minute before anyone acknowledged me or moved out of my way.
Several parents were standing off to the side, and mostly all of them stared me down with evil glares for making their kids move. How dare I drive down a popular street on my way home. How dare I request that your children stop playing in the middle of the fucking road so they don’t get killed.
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I remember this one time at a small local fair, Holden (and I) really wanted to go down this huge blow-up slide. It was one of those super steep, scary kind that have a slope of about a million and only little tiny pieces of plastic in the design of a ladder for you to hoist yourself up. He was 2-years-old and afraid to climb himself so I had to carry him and grasp onto those little plastic pieces with my fingertips.
Once we got to the top I realized a little girl, probably about six-years-old, had been following rather close. I realized this because as Holden and I were about to sit down she shoved us out of the way and went down the slide first. Her mother was standing at the bottom and cheering her on.
We went down and decided to go up again. This time the same little girl tried to shove past us on the way up — which could have easily resulted in us all falling to our deaths. (Okay, not really because everything is all blown-up and bouncy, but still.) I stuck my arm out with all the force I could muster, and she tried to push past it still. So I literally held her back and told her to please stop fucking around because my son could get seriously hurt and she was being a little brat.
Her mom saw the commotion and yelled for her daughter to behave, but gave me evil eyes once I got to the bottom.
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These aren’t the only stories about asshole kids I have. I have hundreds. And my son is only three-years-old. Technically, he’s three-years and three-months. Two-and-a-half-months. Whatever.
He’s been alive for 1176 days. He’s only been walking for approximately 720 days. We don’t leave the house for probably at least half of every year because it’s too hot or too cold, so we’ve been walking outside and around other human beings for roughly 360 days. That’s not even a full year, and I have hundreds of stories about asshole kids, all from the time he started walking. I’m sure I have thousands since before then. I didn’t even realize I’ve been in contact with thousands of other kids until this very moment.
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And we wonder what’s wrong with the world today. Kids are what’s wrong with the world, and parents are what’s wrong with kids.
What are you people doing? Is it more important to fuck your kid up than to teach them proper manners?
Parenting is not a universal thing. Every kid is different and every parent is different. But, there are some things that are pretty much common knowledge. Let me refresh your memory:
- Say please and thank you and you’re welcome.
That’s really not hard at all. I know we shouldn’t compare children, but my kid is still a toddler and says those things. Your eleven-year-old should at least know he’s supposed to say them.
- Don’t shove.
My kid sometimes shoves his friend. And, usually after his friend shoves him back, harder, I reprimand him. We have a nice long talk about not shoving and he gets put in time-out for a minute and threatened with leaving if he can’t be nice. Sometimes shit happens, but I do not stand on the sidelines and just let it.
- Don’t play in the fucking street.
There are cars that drive down streets, and they will run you over and you will die. Jesus.
- Be kind.
Sometimes people make mistakes, or accidents, or what-have-you. You don’t have to lose your temper over every little thing — sometimes it’s nice to let that person know it’s okay; give them a little pick-me-up. It’s usually embarrassing enough to fuck up, don’t make it worse on them.
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Can we all agree on those rules? Are they that fucking difficult? Of course there are more, but maybe we should focus on the simple shit first so as not to makes their poor little brains explode. And by that I mean the parents.
[All cartoons were made by me via Stripgenerator]
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What do you think are common sense things people should teach their kids? Do you have any asshole kid horror stories? Let me know!