Nate and I have an agreement of sorts. Like an open relationship.

He was sentenced to 15-30 years, and he’s been gone a few months shy of 3 years. It’s been nearly 3 years since we’ve had sex.

His prison — actually, the state where he’s imprisoned — does not allow conjugal visits. So even if we were to get married while he’s there (which very well might happen), we still wouldn’t be able to hop on the good foot and do the bad thing. Until we’re in our late 30s, at the earliest.

He knows I have needs. I know he has needs. Sadly, our situation doesn’t allow for his needs to be met, but if he ever has a chance with a CO or woman inmate or nurse or doctor or something, he knows I’ll be cheering him on. So he allows me to indulge in my desires as well, so long as we talk about it. There are certain rules that I won’t get into.

It wasn’t like this at first. It took a while for us to get to this point of trust. But I guess after me waiting for almost 3 years, even with at least 12 remaining, he realizes I’m not going anywhere.

Last night was the first time I took advantage of our arrangement. Nate’s been sending me pretty explicit sexual letters lately, and after reading some of Sir Gardener’s older posts, I couldn’t contain myself anymore. We’ve all been there so don’t act surprised.

It was with someone I’m comfortable with, someone I trust, someone Nate doesn’t have to worry about (although I will admit he doesn’t really like him). It was good. I was satisfied.

However, once it was done I felt almost dirty. Even though I was satisfied I ended up even more worked up, if that makes any sense. But not just for sex — for Nate. I wanted to call him immediately and talk to him about everything and tell him how much I adore him. I wanted to get over my fear of writing out my desires and spill everything onto paper, for his eyes only. I really wanted him to be here with me, so I could act those desires out.

Now I don’t really know how I feel. Do I want to continue with our arrangement? Do I want to not have sex for another 12+ years, words being my only outlet? Do I mix it up and do a little of both?

Long-distance relationships are tricky. (Is that what we have?) Open relationships are tricky. Prison is tricky and Nate and I are tricky. I guess we’ll work this out as time goes on.

*  *  *  *  *

Have you ever been in a long-distance or open relationship? How did you keep the spark alive? Let me know!


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39 thoughts on “Oh.

  1. I had to stop following a number of very explicit and sexy blogs because with no outlet it was very frustrating to get all worked up…my own self love just doesn’t cut it for me at times.

    Glad you found an outlet. Given your situation it sounds like you have quite the journey ahead of you.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. I almost had a tiny tear reading this.
    I shall never say that I went through a similar thing, because obviously I don’t have a kid or a partner serving time, but somehow I just want to hug you right now. Gawd.
    But yeah, I hope it doesn’t get too complicated by the end of this 12 year long ordeal. As much as emotional attachments result in consummation, sometime the other way round happens too. Physical attachment may lead to an emotional overhaul with the other person. And !@#$%.
    Just feel all the love woman. <3

    Liked by 1 person

  3. We are women, and emotional beings. Wish I could tell you having sex with someone else will not change anything. If it was with a stranger, someone you both don’t know, you could easier dismiss it as a one night fling. No connections were made. But you already had connections with this person– this is someone in your sphere and unless you or he moves away, you will continue to run into each other. Worst, you enjoyed it. When your needs need to be met again, chances are you’re going to find him again. Sex bonds, and when women have sex with someone they have good sex with, they usually bond with that person. Then unless you are a really strong person, you start to fall in love or depend on that person for your emotional needs.

    If you intend to stay with Nate, you’re going to have to cap the sexual activity with another man. Men are different. It’s almost a guarantee that if he has sex with someone else in prison, 12 days after, you will be forgotten. Men don’t wait for women. In our fantasies, we hope they would, because they use the Love word, and we think they love like how we love. They love differently.

    But my dear from observation and experience I have found that men are generally sexual beings. Once his needs are being met, you will find your relationship in a very precarious position. It might be best to let things just flow as they may. Otherwise, you’re going to make yourself miserable. You are young and healthy; your needs are natural. But unless you remain celibate, your relationship doesn’t stand a chance of making it through the next twelve years.

    And then what a disappointment if after you have waited so long, you have both become different people, because time (and prison) changes people. You deserve to be happy. You are not ready to hear this, I know, but eventually these are things you have to think about and decisions you will have to make. Focus on growing your son, and I would cut back on the erotica from Nate and elsewhere. As you can see, you were doing fine for three years until that factor entered. My two cents. I think you are a wonderful mom and a truly decent person (staying true to the person you love although he’s in prison). You a real trooper. But you matter. Find someone who can love and marry you, cause you deserve that. If he can consent to an open relationship, which in a man’s head means, move on with your life, then he can consent to that too. In the meanwhile, continue to love your beautiful little son. Sorry about the epistle :)


    • See, I’ve written about this before. I appreciate your concern, but the whole point of writing about Nate is to inform people that I am staying with him regardless of what everyone else thinks. I am happier waiting for him than I am moving on, and I know this from experience.

      I also don’t get attached after having sex, whatsoever. I’ve written about this before as well, in that I must not be a “normal woman,” because rarely any of the “woman” qualities ever apply to me.

      I fully believe we can get through this and he is okay with me sleeping with other people, but not moving on. As am I. I just would much rather have him.


      • I understand how you feel. None of us can tell the future. Only time will tell. At the end of the day, only the two people involved can write their love story. I wish you all the best and every happiness. Just be open to eventualities. I hope Nate appreciates you for the girl you are.

        Liked by 1 person

      • Haha I’m totally with you on your second paragraph! I can have sex with a guy and have no attachment when I walk out of the bedroom but here’s the kicker, they always do! Seriously, they chase me and show signs that they like me more than just that fun time. I’ve started telling them early on that I’m not interested in dating, just to make sure its clear that I’m not interested in anything more than fwb. It doesn’t help.

        And I’m currently in a long distance *half* open relationship (I can sleep with women no problems, but not men yet), but we’re working towards open one step at a time, and getting there. He’s got 100% freedom from my end (but isn’t fussed on using it) and doesn’t really understand the need for others, but he knows he can’t tame me so its better/easier for him to just get used to the idea.

        You can totally 100% love someone but sleep with others. Its not for everyone, some are super traditional in their views and some are jealous types. Others realise love is love and sex is sex (and also a necessity!).

        I’ve been with my guy for 6 years (although the last 2 we were ‘single’ but still hung out, slept together etc, so essentially it was long distance open but in his mind saying we were single made it easier) and even after sleeping with others, I don’t love him any less. I’m still attracted to him, still love him and even though its long distance, when we do have sex, its better than it ever has been.

        Karen said ‘men don’t wait for women’, but mine has. Not only has he been waiting for me to move back to his area (I moved away for a 2 year job opportunity) he’s even getting used to a proper open relationship for me.

        Karen also said that your man will firget you 12 days after he has sex with someone. Well mine has had sex with other women in our 2 year ‘single’ time, and he still wants me. And I still want him. When you find the right person, you just know it’ll all work out.

        Don’t feel guilty, do what your body wants/needs. When I would hear from my guy that he’d slept with someone, I would be bursting with happiness. Happy that he was happy :) Happy that although I wasn’t there, he was still able to get his fix. Its all a matter of perspective. I’m not worried that he doesn’t love me, I know he does. He doesn’t have to say anything. We could not speak for a month and I would still know. His love for me is deep down and I know its not going anywhere and I feel the same for him.

        So do what feels right. Do what makes you happy. Make sure he knows you love him deep down and aren’t going anywhere in a hurry. And have some bloody fun would ya! He would want more than anything to know that you’re happy :)

        Liked by 1 person

        • Ohmygod, you’re my new favorite person because I thought no one else out there understood. When I meet (met) guys, I would introduce myself as “Hi, I’m Tempest, you do NOT want to get involved with me because I’m a heartless bitch but I love sex so I will fuck you and chuck you. Do NOT expect any further involvement.” You’d think they’d love it, but no, they always get attached. Which is one of the reasons I hate the whole “women are emotional, men are sexual” argument. I knew I couldn’t be the only “exception”.

          See, I hate the “you can sleep with women but not men” idea. I will leave your ass for a woman just as easily and quickly as I will for a man, so it’s either all or nothing, in my opinion. I used to feel the same way as your boyfriend, though — I didn’t care much about acting out my freedom, but after so long things start to change.

          Nate and I have been “together” (although “together” included dating many other people, him getting married and having two children, and then getting back together for real but staying best friends and sleeping together almost the whole time) for 12 years. 12 YEARS! Like, if we made it that long already, I’m pretty confident in us to make it another 12, no matter who we’re sleeping with (or not).

          I’m so happy you commented — I feel the same way in my relationship that you do in yours. Nate was MARRIED to someone else and never forgot me. It may sound corny, but I totally believe we’re meant to be.


          • WordPress is so awesome, it brings like minded people together :D

            Yeah I totally agree with the half open relationship being ridiculous. It all started when I was dating him and fell for a girl. So I was completely honest and said I had feelings for her and wanted to explore them. I hadn’t stopped loving him or had any less interest in him. He reacted in the best possible way I could imagine – he let me date her. He’s not real traditional (doesn’t like the idea of marriage), but to create a little beginner poly family was a big step I thought. Apparently not, he was fine. It wasn’t that he was after threesome’s, either, they actually didn’t like each other much. So that’s why he’s ok with women but not yet with men. He knows he doesn’t have a vagina so can’t replace a woman entirely, but is intimidated by men because he’s capable of doing everything they can. But its not about that, everyone is different and that’s the fun of it. Different personalities, different dominant levels, different kinks, different likes/dislikes. I love the surprise. I think I’m allergic to monotony ;)

            So anyway, I know he’ll get there, he just wants to take it a step at a time so he’s 100% ok with it. He could rush in, miss some vital steps and communication along the way and then decide he can’t handle it. I’ve seen this happen in other relationships and now they’re not open with one angry, the other horny as anything, both unable to communicate about it and the horny sexless one on the cusp of cheating.

            12 years is awesome! Sometimes no matter how hard you fight it, certain people just keep coming back into your lives. That’s a proper connection if ever I saw it ;)

            There will always be people who disagree with us but if we just do what makes us feel happy then who gives a stuff what anyone else thinks :D Our own happiness is one of the most important things in our life (maybe even THE most important thing :O controversial? Haha).


  4. I mean, the difficulty here is that as much as your physical needs are satisfied, your emotional needs won’t be. My fiancé lives in England so I get the dry spell, and how ah…squirrelly even just a few months can be. For me, I can’t separate out the emotional from the physical. I think once you’re able to compartmentalize them and subsist on what you can get for the emotional craving, you won’t feel so almost-dirty.

    I’m so sorry you’re in this situation. I hope you figure out what’ll make you (and Nate) happy <3

    Liked by 1 person

    • I mean, I think we’re as happy as we can be in this situation. I get as much of the emotional as possible from Nate, and some of the sexual from others. It works for us, but lately I’ve been missing him a LOT so I think last night just added to that.

      Thank you=]


  5. Tempest, I’m not in favor of open relationships, but then I’m not in favor of committing yourself to a decade of celibacy, either. Unless you were to become a nun of some sort. Your situation seems frustrating, untenable and extremely painful. So sorry. I wish you could allow yourself to love someone more accessible. Loving someone in jail protects you from intimacy in a sense. Could you redefine your relationship with Nate as co-parents and allow yourself an intimate and committed monogamous sexual and emotionally loving relationship while Nate is incarcerated? You are so young. Any relationship(s) “outside” of your coparenting relationship with Nate may very well not live beyond his incarceration.

    Liked by 1 person

    • I’ve tried that. There was a period (which I’ll write about once my psych/meds situation gets resolved) when I decided I couldn’t wait for Nate and needed to date while he was there. It didn’t work out, I want no one but him in that way.

      Liked by 1 person

      • Can’t argue with the that. The heart wants what the heart wants. No doubt frustrating. Best of luck. You own a good vibrator? Actually, as far as I’m concerned nothing matches a man. Then again, I’d make a terrible lesbian. Only a man’s anatomy can satisfy me. My husband has no complaints.

        Liked by 1 person

        • I own several “toys,” but sometimes I need human touch. Not necessarily a man, as I love women just as much, but often doing it myself just doesn’t cut it.

          I think maybe I’ll just have to experiment with the who, what, where, how, when, etc. factors and figure out what works best. It’s not like I’m out banging everyone I meet every day, it’s a rare occurrence, so at least I don’t have to worry about it all the time.

          Liked by 1 person

  6. Monogamy, contrary to popular opinion, is not the be-all-and-end-all of a happy successful relationship, or marriage. I am one who would argue in favor of open relationships and marriage if all people involved can agree on how it might work for them specifically.

    And you hit on something very important – your experience made you hungry, for Nate. Sex is just something we do for physical pleasure … but sex with the right person touches our soul.


    Liked by 2 people

    • Yes! I’m so happy you get it. I’m pleased with my recent sexual encounter. It was good. It doesn’t make me feel anything for that person, it doesn’t make me feel any less for Nate. It just makes me miss him even more.

      Liked by 1 person

  7. I think that it is really inspiring that you have that trust with him. As a teenager I don’t have much if any experience with relationships, and frankly I don’t want to get into that stuff to quickly. But I think your arrangement is good. You both love and want to mutually support each other and that’s why the arrangement works. When his sentence is as long as it is, you cant be expected to bottle everything up and just go without. Do what makes both of you happy. Relationships aren’t always simple and easy to navigate :)

    Liked by 1 person

      • Thank you! I used to be one for the whole “settle down, 2 kids and a nice front lawn” type. But then I realised that was what society wanted for me, not what I really wanted. I think that love doesn’t need to fit into a box to be love. Saying vows are for some people and aren’t for others. And labels aren’t always comprehensive enough. Sometimes it’s easier to just call someone your significant other rather than boyfriend, because then you aren’t labelling as much.

        Liked by 2 people

  8. I write to and advocate for several prisoners…some are lifers, some on the row, and some have shorter sentences…it’s not easy for them at all to have no sexual outlet. I can’t even begin to imagine what it’s like. As a chick with a ridiculous sex drive…wow. It’s got to suck big time. I’m bi, but years or the possibility of forever without a man would crush me. I really feel for these guys. Kudos to you and yours for coming up with an arrangement that’s healthy for you, and my best to your guy who is clearly struggling with his sexual frustration.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Nate told me porn was once allowed in his prison but isn’t any longer. However, they can receive pretty sexy photos, so long as nothing is actually showing. So I took a photo of myself topless and just blacked out my nipples. I don’t know if it will help him or hurt him, though.

      Thank you=] I feel horrible for him, he’s ALWAYS been a super super sexual person.


      • Yeah the friends I have inside aren’t allowed to watch anything with nudity…and depending on the institution, pics are limited. My Iowa friend can’t even get pics of someone in their swimsuit, whereas in California, as long as nipples and vag don’t show, anything goes. Lameness to the max.

        Liked by 1 person

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