This is Not About Me

I just found out my very best friend is having a baby (his second child).

I’m having mixed feelings about this, but none coherent enough to make up an entire post, but I feel the need to write about it and Mini-Post Monday is almost a week away so I guess I’ll fake a post.

First, I feel angry. I found out via his girlfriend’s post on Facebook because he “wasn’t allowed to tell anyone”. Wasn’t allowed to tell his best friend until his girlfriend told the whole world? That makes sense.

Second I feel crappy. Obviously he didn’t tell me because I’ve been a horrible, horrible, flaky as fuck friend lately, right? I suck.

Third I feel excited. My best friend is having another baby!!

Fourth I feel jealous. Typically women get to pick the godmother and I know I won’t be it.

Fifth I feel ashamed. This is not about me!

Sixth I feel worried. Are they ready for another child? Emotionally, mentally, financially?

Seventh I feel sad. I should be thinking about having a second child right around now. Too bad that won’t happen anytime soon, maybe ever.

Last I feel excited again. MY BEST FRIEND IS HAVING ANOTHER FUCKING BABY!

I feel like I’m fucking grieving or something. These are a lot of the stages of grief, right? And I guess in a way I am grieving. I’m grieving my chance to have children young. I’m grieving my best friend, kinda/sorta, even though I know this won’t change anything between us. I’m obviously grieving my ability to put other people first, because THIS IS NOT ABOUT ME.

*  *  *  *  *


Have you ever felt this many ways about something? What was it? How did you handle it? Did you ever make something so totally not about you, about you? Let me know!


 

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8 thoughts on “This is Not About Me

  1. It must be very difficult to be in this bind, knowing your own opportunity may be so far out there, feeling the pain of that and still SO wanting to celebrate your friend’s joy. I marvel at how well you can get hold of all this inside you, and write so coherently about it while you’re in the middle of the whirlwind of conflicting feelings, ideas and desires. You’re helping a lot of us, you know, to see how we might deal with this mix of thoughts and emotions and still keep on keeping on. Go you!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you so much! Sometimes I’m shocked at what comes out when I write, but thankfully it helps me understand the feelings inside. Rarely do I end up with the result I expected when I write a post — it always takes its own route.

      Like

      • Thats wonderful, for you and us as well. I also find that writing down what’s happening, journalling, or in poetry, or “thinking out loud” as I puzzle through or note observations gives me to myself in a new and wonderful way. Your modeling that activity for us gives us new energy for it, and shows a way we can tread through the thicket our lives tend to become — especially for those of us who think about our lives and don’t — or don’t want to — just sleep-walk through them. These are the only lives we have, and it’s a shame to miss most of them just by not paying attention, but paying attention can be painful — not all hearts and flowers — and can be even dangerous during those times we’re most vulnerable to the pain. Totally worth the pain, though. Thank you for sharing yours so articulately with the rest of us. We can’t all do it so well, but you do help us believe there’s a path through simply by showing yourself walking your own path.

        Liked by 1 person

  2. I love that it’s not about you and it’s totally about you. Grieve away, but know that even if we don’t plan to have only one child (or in your case, one child while young), it can be a great choice. Enjoy the relative calm (hard to imagine, I know, but siblings do fight). Enjoy being able to lavish more of yourself onto your gorgeous son. Remember that your son has half-siblings who you did help raise for a while. (I do hope you still are able to see them even if you do not have a custodial relationship.) In any case, grieve away. You are grieving the physical loss of Nate and your dreams for a life with Nate. I congratulate your friend and send my condolences to you.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you=]

      If you remember my “The Other Woman” posts, I wrote about my not being able to see the kids anymore there. She did respond, and was kind, and said we could talk on the phone and take it from there, but only tried to call once when I wasn’t home so far. So we’ll see.

      Liked by 1 person

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