I trusted you. I laid with you. I let you know the most intimate parts of my soul, my body. And you left me. When you saw the dark side of me, you just fucking left. Truth is, you already left me. I was there for you from the beginning. I allowed you a place in my life. I let you bitch and moan about how you were too good for that honest job. I listened as you talked about how that job was breaking you down and taking you away from your life’s mission. But off the soap box. I was empty. I was broken. You were empty. You were broken. We were two broken people in one dysfunctional relationship.
When you’re an addict you do whatever it takes NOT to feel. For me, for us it wasn’t drugs, alcohol, gambling. For me, it was the intimacy, the sex, the food, the love. Whatever it take not to feel the weight of mistakes. Not to feel the weight of a disappointing connection with your cruel mother. Not to feel the burden of a family life that has left me fighting against a legacy of low self worth, suppressed emotions and an ego sensitive to criticism. For you, the weight of an isolated adolescence and the stumbling blocks preventing you from being the father you want to be, the advocate you want to be, the fighter you want to be.
I can see that everything you “did” to me I have also “done” to you. I confess my selfishness. I confess my error in trying to make you what I wanted. I confess that I was not the confident woman that I seemed. I confess that I used you to fill me up and make me feel good even as I hoped to do the same for you. I confess that I continued to see you hoping that you would change and enjoying the good sex. I confess that I am ridiculously petty. I wouldn’t give you head because you are intact. I confess that I still check your blog and twitter feed just to look at your face. I’m sorry for entering a relationship with you and fooling myself into thinking that I was healed and ready. I would totally do it again, all of it – with a different ending of course. I confess that I am imperfect, lusty, flawed and utterly fucked up and I miss you. Shit, I still miss you.
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