I Don’t Have It All Together

A lot of you think that I do, I guess because of my honest writing, but I don’t. I really, really don’t.

I’m still learning and working my way through this world like the rest of you. I still have many, many moments that others would consider completely reckless. Hell, even I consider them reckless.

I told a lot of you that I would stop doubling up on my meds. I didn’t. And now I’m out again. (Well, one of my meds.)

I had such a bad anxiety attack the other day I was almost hospitalized. I was able to make an emergency appointment with the head nurse who put me on Neurontin, but it’s either not working enough or not working yet because I’ve been drinking to calm myself down.

My father went to Florida for Biketoberfest and left me $400. He left on Wednesday. I have $20 left. Given, I spent the money on my Suboxone appointment and gas and food and cigarettes and presents for Holden’s best friend’s birthday and a bunch of shirts for myself, so it could have been worse, but I still spent it all. In 5 days. And I know he’s going to freak out when he gets home.

There’s a certain man I’ve been speaking to online, just friendly chat, nothing serious. But he mentioned he might be able to come to my area in November and all I can think about is banging him. He’s married. I’m also terrified that when/if we meet I won’t be pretty enough or smart enough or whatever enough for him. Which shouldn’t even be a thought because not only am I awesome, but banging shouldn’t be number one on my list.

I’m pretty sure Nate and I are going to get married. While he’s in prison. Soon.

I’ve only let my dog out once or twice since my dad’s been gone. I just set up a towel for her to do her business on. She does. For some reason it’s easier to clean up and change the towel than to go outside with her.

I haven’t done the dishes in what feels like a month. It might very well be a month.

I don’t have it all together. I’m a mess. I’m just an honest mess who knows herself a little bit better than most people. But that doesn’t make me any less of a mess.

**Also, because I’m such a mess this week, the features may be postponed. Sometimes a person just needs a break.

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31 thoughts on “I Don’t Have It All Together

  1. We all have our issues…don’t feel bad about having yours as well. But it doesn’t mean you aren’t great.

    If you don’t mind my asking, why would you engage with someone who is married? Because it’s safer? If I was about to be married, or already married, then it does make some sense. I get it. Just curious about your own rationale.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Take your break. You still are awesome. Sometimes a girl and a writer and a mom needs time to heal. Take the time you need. I hope you get some money. Who is taking care of your son though? Can the grandparents take him? Try not to drink. Try exercise. Sit by the beach. Sleep. Get those meds. We’ll be here when you get back with your awesome self. I’ll be holding your hand from all the way over here in Ja., and I’m sure others from the WordPress Blogging 101 family will be praying for you. You’ll also be covered and guarded by the angels I’m going to ask God to dispatch to you right now. You will recover soon. You know how to. Just don’t worry and make sure you have support you can call on if you see things want to turn in the wrong direction. Don’t be afraid to reach for help. Don’t make any decisions you might later regret in your present state. We need you around.

    Liked by 2 people

    • Thank you so much! You have no idea how much that all means to me.

      I’m watching my son right now, but Weds-Fri he’s in daycare and Jack is off Tues & Sat, so really I just have to worry about the time when Jack’s working. I seem to be handling it okay. We often go to his friend’s house so I can have some grown up time and he can be occupied by playing with his friend.

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      • Happy you have support. I know firsthand what it is to be in the throes of depression (which I suffer from) and try to focus on yourself while you have a small child depending on you.

        I don’t want to seem presumptious, but you have so much talent, I think you could be earning well if you tried problogging. One of my muses and favourite bloggers Sophie Lizard just launched Pitchfest this morning, where she offers any blogger to pitch a post for a chance to win prizes amounting to 800 including $100 cash. just feel that you could easily capture that. Check her out: Sophie Lizard. She also has a job board where you can find opportunities. A popular board that many bloggers find opportunities including Sophie herself is http://jobs.problogger.net/. As soon as you are able, check them out and see how you could earn some good cash on the side. In the meanwhile, get some good meals and R and R.

        Liked by 2 people

  3. Your awesomeness in our eyes, Tempest, is not in your having it together (in fact it shows precisely because you don’t) but in your honest eye and pen — seeing yourself more clearly than most of us can see ourselves, and speaking that truth so clearly that you actually inspire many of us to do so more in our lives. Hang in there for yourself, but also for us; we are truly all connected, and you are not alone, but if it feels like you are, I hope someone with your best good in mind is physically close enough to give you the love and caring (and true care) you need, because you do need all three — we all do. Find that person (or those persons) and ask for what you need. Those who truly love you will give you as much as they can.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Having it ‘all together’ is something I imagine to be almost certainly unachievable and, most of the time, all any of us can hope for is things to be briefly held together tightly enough that they all don’t fall apart. However, when even that seems an impossibility, try to forgive yourself the bits you let fall. Harder than it seems…I know. Take care of yourself xxx

    Liked by 2 people

    • Thank you=]

      I KNOW that it’s impossible for anyone to ever really “have it all together,” but for some reason still feel like I need to. I know I’m putting too much pressure on myself, but I haven’t yet been able to stop.

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  5. Blunt feedback… Please know that I do care.

    Yes, Tempest, you are a mess, but not as bad a mess as you once were. Steps in the right direction. Honesty is a step. Next step –> medication compliance!!! DO NOT double up on meds. Have your dad and/or Jack install a dog door and fenced in area in yard for the dog to do his business.

    As to dating married men and loving a man in prison –> you need to do work about why you only love or date men who are not really available to you. My guess – fear of intimacy. No doubt due to issues with your parents and stepfather. You need therapy to work through those issues so that you can start making better choices. Group therapy is often cheaper and more effective.

    Liked by 4 people

    • I honestly DID stop doubling up on my meds, but not as soon as I should have. So now I’m out and have about a week or so until I can get more (of the one). I just found ONE left that I had hidden somewhere though, so if I start to feel super icky I know that one’s still there.

      Installing a fence and/or doggie door is probably WAY more complicated than it seems. I don’t know if my dad would even be okay with the doggie door, but even just a fence would be enough for me. I’ve been asking him and Jack to do something like that for a while, but between the money and time it just seems like it will never happen, or at least won’t happen anytime soon.

      I think I absolutely have intimacy issues, but I really don’t think that’s what this is about. I fell for Nate long, long, long before he was unavailable to me, stuck around while he was, and then we became really serious before he was arrested. I’m just sticking with him through it all. As for the married man, I don’t think it has anything to do with him being married, either, because we started talking about something completely unrelated and I fell for him before I even knew his exact situation.

      So, I dunno. Maybe you’re right, maybe not. But I know there are definitely things I need to work through in therapy, which I plan to. My therapist and I talked about group therapy and decided it wasn’t for me, but I am still seeing her (free, because of my insurance) once a week.

      Liked by 1 person

  6. Tempest. Try not to make any decisions while you are low on meds. Is there anyone you can go to for support? Would your doc have med samples? Hope someone can help with your little guy. Hang in there. People care.

    Liked by 3 people

  7. You are human, like the rest of us. We all have good and bad days. At best all you can do is try to maximize the good and minimize the damage that the bad days have on your life.

    No matter what, those that truly accept/love you for who you are will not care if “you do not have it together” all the time. Life is like that and sometimes all we can do is hang on tightly for the wild ride.

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  8. I wonder if anybody has it all together. See, I don’t think so! It is all a big masquerade… We all struggle. I struggle… Sometimes I don’t have it all together. And it is normal. You have a lot to deal with… so if you find yourself struggling it is what it is. Look after yourself. Find something to get your energy back. Grab this and move forward. But you can only do that, if you can recharge… I love how honest you are. You share. And it’s a big step. Love reading what you have to say.

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  9. And re married guy: Just be sure what you want to do. I don’t think you need any more complicated “thing” in your life and honestly: It will get complicated with a married guy… There is no other way. It will use up even more of your energy. Not sure if you want that. I did not know when it started but now you know he is married. So the decision is up to you.

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    • I LOVE my therapist. She even went to her supervisor when she was trying to think of ways to help me. My psych, on the other hand, I WANT to love, but these meds I just feel like aren’t a right fit. I have to wait and see til my next appt if he’s going to change them or if I’m going to try and see someone else.

      Like

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