A lot of you think that I do, I guess because of my honest writing, but I don’t. I really, really don’t.
I’m still learning and working my way through this world like the rest of you. I still have many, many moments that others would consider completely reckless. Hell, even I consider them reckless.
I told a lot of you that I would stop doubling up on my meds. I didn’t. And now I’m out again. (Well, one of my meds.)
I had such a bad anxiety attack the other day I was almost hospitalized. I was able to make an emergency appointment with the head nurse who put me on Neurontin, but it’s either not working enough or not working yet because I’ve been drinking to calm myself down.
My father went to Florida for Biketoberfest and left me $400. He left on Wednesday. I have $20 left. Given, I spent the money on my Suboxone appointment and gas and food and cigarettes and presents for Holden’s best friend’s birthday and a bunch of shirts for myself, so it could have been worse, but I still spent it all. In 5 days. And I know he’s going to freak out when he gets home.
There’s a certain man I’ve been speaking to online, just friendly chat, nothing serious. But he mentioned he might be able to come to my area in November and all I can think about is banging him. He’s married. I’m also terrified that when/if we meet I won’t be pretty enough or smart enough or whatever enough for him. Which shouldn’t even be a thought because not only am I awesome, but banging shouldn’t be number one on my list.
I’m pretty sure Nate and I are going to get married. While he’s in prison. Soon.
I’ve only let my dog out once or twice since my dad’s been gone. I just set up a towel for her to do her business on. She does. For some reason it’s easier to clean up and change the towel than to go outside with her.
I haven’t done the dishes in what feels like a month. It might very well be a month.
I don’t have it all together. I’m a mess. I’m just an honest mess who knows herself a little bit better than most people. But that doesn’t make me any less of a mess.
**Also, because I’m such a mess this week, the features may be postponed. Sometimes a person just needs a break.