Confession: Adultery in the Heart

I’m told every woman does this, but I’m married and find myself having massive crushes on other men. They’re not men I know, mind you, but usually people on TV. I seem to be especially drawn to guys on Project Runway which bothers me all the more because I feel as though I’m obsessed, which I definitely have a tendency toward. I suppose that’s an “extra” confession.

The main reason this bothers me is that every relationship I have had with a man has had something to do with cheating.  I’ve had quite a few boyfriends and every one of them has either been cheated *on* or cheated *with*. A few of the latter knew what they were but, as far as I know, none of the former has ever found out. At least, not that they’ve said. I don’t know if openly seeing three guys the way I did once “counts” as cheating. Being able to date all these guys was a big ego boost since I was the ugly nerd in high school but, trust me, it’s a lot more trouble than it’s worth.

I am not afraid I will cheat on my husband, but it bothers me that I’m more attracted to men I see on TV than I am to my own husband. I’ve been undergoing treatment for bipolar and on medication that all but kills your sex drive nearly the entire time we’ve been together, so that explains that. At least, it could. Maybe the injury causing me not to be able to have sex contributed too. Perhaps it’s not that I’m more attracted so much as that I make up fantasies in my head about sex and romance with them. I’m always younger in the fantasies, so perhaps I just feel old too. I feel as though I shouldn’t need to do this if I’m happy in my marriage. I do love him, more than anything…so why do I have to keep fantasizing about having sex with other men but not about him?

I’m a horrible wife, a horrible Christian and a horrible person…

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This confession is brought to you by The Prozac Queen. To submit your own confession, please visit The Confessional page.

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8 thoughts on “Confession: Adultery in the Heart

  1. I have always been in love with Emmylou Harris and although I dont obsess about her, whenever I see her, I get that feeling of lust towards her. I think that is normal! The grass is always greener on the other side kinda thing.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. My wife and I have had a discussion similar to this and we came to this conclusion: it’s okay to look at the menu all you want, you just cannot order…..it’s fine to window shop but you cannot go into the store to buy…

    I think it is human nature to look and to play mental games so to speak, so why stress about it?!

    Liked by 1 person

  3. From the male point of view, the vast majority fantasies are about women other than my girlfriend. Does that make me a horrible partner? But I think that’s the whole point of a fantasy; something that’s not in real life. If you go out and do it, it’s not a fantasy anymore. That goes especially for crushing on celebrities from the tv, that’s not real life and there’s no risk.

    Enjoy sexuality with your partner, when you’re physically with your partner. But why not let the mind wander in other ways, it’s healthy.

    Liked by 2 people

  4. I can relate!! I struggled with this when I started staying home… it sucks!!!

    Don’t believe the lie that you are horrible… your Savior doesn’t think this about you!!

    I’m sure you have been honest with your husband about your struggle… I’m so sorry for the side effects of your medication… medication sucks too… it helps one thing and messes up something else!!!

    There is a book (sorry… I hate when people suggest books but this one helped me so much)
    it’s called Every Woman’s Battle…

    Please know you are not alone in this struggle… you are loved… human… glorified and captivating in the eyes of your Creator… and truly and honestly… I’ll be praying for you and your marriage just like I have to pray from my own!!!

    Liked by 1 person

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