I’m told every woman does this, but I’m married and find myself having massive crushes on other men. They’re not men I know, mind you, but usually people on TV. I seem to be especially drawn to guys on Project Runway which bothers me all the more because I feel as though I’m obsessed, which I definitely have a tendency toward. I suppose that’s an “extra” confession.
The main reason this bothers me is that every relationship I have had with a man has had something to do with cheating. I’ve had quite a few boyfriends and every one of them has either been cheated *on* or cheated *with*. A few of the latter knew what they were but, as far as I know, none of the former has ever found out. At least, not that they’ve said. I don’t know if openly seeing three guys the way I did once “counts” as cheating. Being able to date all these guys was a big ego boost since I was the ugly nerd in high school but, trust me, it’s a lot more trouble than it’s worth.
I am not afraid I will cheat on my husband, but it bothers me that I’m more attracted to men I see on TV than I am to my own husband. I’ve been undergoing treatment for bipolar and on medication that all but kills your sex drive nearly the entire time we’ve been together, so that explains that. At least, it could. Maybe the injury causing me not to be able to have sex contributed too. Perhaps it’s not that I’m more attracted so much as that I make up fantasies in my head about sex and romance with them. I’m always younger in the fantasies, so perhaps I just feel old too. I feel as though I shouldn’t need to do this if I’m happy in my marriage. I do love him, more than anything…so why do I have to keep fantasizing about having sex with other men but not about him?
I’m a horrible wife, a horrible Christian and a horrible person…
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