If I’m Lost, What is She?

My mom’s going to Florida. Tomorrow. She doesn’t know how long she’s going to be gone; she might stay the whole winter.

She’s going through a lot right now, and this is probably exactly what she needs. But I’m hurt. I’m saddened. I’m saddened that her life has gotten to this point and I’m saddened that I’m losing my best friend, for however long, and I’m saddened that my son isn’t going to be able to see his grandmother for however long.

I don’t know where this post is going, but I need to write something.

This is all my stepfather’s fault. I want to blame him, and I do blame him, because he is to blame. I’m not holding back and even trying to be understanding. The hate I once had for him because of what he did to me, that I worked so fucking hard to get over, is now back, but this time because of what he’s doing to her.

I once told him, long ago while we were drunk and he was hitting on me, that I would cut his dick off if he ever hurt her. The pain has gone on for too long now and it might be time for me to make good on my word. Not really, but if I could, I’m to the point where I probably would.

My plan was to have them take my son if anything ever happened to me. Now who will?

My plan was to be by my mother’s side until I died, because I’m dying first because we agreed. Now who’s side will I stand by?

She said she’s sorry. She shouldn’t have to apologize for anything. This shouldn’t be happening.

I want to cry but I can’t. I’m lost. I can’t even imagine how she feels.

She should know that she is loved, more than immensely. She is perfect.

Tempest Rose Susan Crowe

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24 thoughts on “If I’m Lost, What is She?

  1. I know we aren’t suppose to hate but I’m calling “human” on this one…

    I hate men who do not cherish the women they’ve been blessed with… those men who take advantage and are the farthest thing from loving their blessing… sacrificing for their blessing… like Christ does for them!!!

    I’m so sorry for all the heartbreak going on… I hope your mom finds… experiences healing while in Florida!!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. You and your mum look so similar that’s s beautiful photo and memory. I’m sorry things are sounding horrible for you at the moment. I could say something like you have your mother around in this world and that is wonderful because you can still communicate though I know not the same as her being nearby. Maybe when she has healed she will be able to come back? Xx

    Liked by 1 person

  3. You are both beautiful, inside and out.

    She’ll be back, Tempest – you are her heart. Any mother willing to die first, and know the anguish and agony of losing a child – which has to be the greatest pain on earth, will always come back.

    T

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Lovely picture of you both. At least she is coming to Florida when it isn’t sweltering. A physical location change will not ever lessen your emotional bond.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. I know what it feels like to be ‘losing’ a mom, because she’s going so far away. Our moms are our backbones. They never stop being there. As old as I am, if I tell my mom my head hurts or I am having trouble she will drive to the city where I live to be with me, to encourage and push me. It’s nothing for a my mother to drop everything. She has saved me so many times when I couldn’t cope with life. I know your mom will find herself again in Florida. Sometimes we women need to do that, because that’s how some of us will find ourselves again after we have lost ourselves in husbands who do not care. Look at it this way, you’ll now be forced to get away and go soak up some sun and white sandy beaches in a beautiful state. Go spend Christmas with her. Your son will love it, I bet.

    Liked by 1 person

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