An Ordinary Update

I still have nothing important to say. I really need to get my meds switched or adjusted, because I just don’t feel passion anymore, about anything. I’m not depressed but I’m not into anything, and the things I want to be interested in can’t hold my concentration — like writing and reading.

So I guess I’ll just give you an update.

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Thursday I had therapy, and my dad came. We drove all the way out there (a 20-30 minute drive; that day it was only 20) to find out my therapist never showed up. So we waited for half an hour and decided to go home. Once we got back into our hometown, my therapist called and apologized profusely explaining that some lines of communication got mixed up and she was there now and could I come back? I did, my dad in tow.

Not the best first impression, but he didn’t seem to mind. He mentioned that he likes going places with me so he actually enjoyed the drive there, back, there again, and back again.

We worked out a lot of stuff. You may remember these two previous posts about my father — his contradictory ways affect me deeply and I don’t always think we have the best relationship. He fessed up to knowing that he contradicts himself and assured me that it wasn’t me — he gets stressed out and is in constant pain and sometimes takes it out on me.

(Side note: my therapist’s last name is Funk, and my psychiatrist’s last name is Dick, and I think that’s just the most amazing combo ever in the history of mankind.)

So Funk suggested whenever one of us is having an off day we simply let the other know, so we can both understand that whatever may be said isn’t really directed towards either of us, but at the day in general. My dad loved the idea.

She also suggested that, since part of my development up kind of came to a halt when I started using drugs at age 16, we work with my childishness instead of against it and utilize a chore chart. At the end of every week, if I get everything done, I get a prize just like a child would. My dad really loved this idea.

Then we talked about my medications — my suboxone and mental health meds — and how he doesn’t like that I’m on any of them but has finally come to accept and understand that at this point in time I need them and they make me a better person. Funk helped a lot with this breakthrough as well and my father and I are going to start going to meetings (NA / AA) together even if only to complain about how much we dislike them.

So that went well. It was one of the best therapy sessions I’ve had because something actually happened.

Afterwards, in the car, my father and I continued to talk and he assured me that I’m not a failure for living at home and he adores my son and I being here with him and he’s proud of me and all that — everything I need to hear now and then. Things seem really good. We’re both happy, at the moment. Funk said he’s probably the most supportive, understanding, and willing parent she’s ever met. Which made me proud of him.

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I also am taking this getting married thing very seriously. I started looking for a ring and found the perfect one — an engagement / wedding band combo — for an amount within my / my father’s / Nate’s price range, which my father has agreed to get me for Christmas. Nate wants to try to pay for some of it, too, mainly because my dad doesn’t know exactly why I want it for Christmas. I was going to tell him in therapy but chickened out. Either way, I’m getting it within the next few months and couldn’t be happier and will post pictures once it’s officially on my finger forever.

Sadly, that’s the only easy thing to come from this decision. Well, my mother is supportive and said she’d be happy to attend, so that’s awesome, too. However it seems it’s nearly impossible to get a marriage license because both parties have to be physically present and although I’ve found a bunch of courthouses that go out to certain prisons every so often to issue them, none of them go to Nate’s prison. I spent the better part of Friday calling every courthouse in the state and none of them could help me, but I also didn’t even get halfway through the list.

I found a woman online who has performed many prison weddings and she said she knows of a courthouse that will do video conference and she can set it all up and work with everyone involved to make sure it all runs smoothly. Of course, with her fees and the video conference and marriage license fees, the cost comes to a little over $700, which is completely and totally worth it but just not something I have right now.

I was hoping to have the wedding in March but now it may have to wait a little longer. Either way, at least we’re getting somewhere and are officially fiancés instead of boyfriend / girlfriend now. Which may sound juvenile but it makes me happy.

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Halloween was stressful. Holden didn’t want to wear his costume to school so I sent it with him, his teacher had difficulty getting it on him but finally did but then he took it off 5 minutes after I showed up for his parade, he wouldn’t partake in the parade, then he wouldn’t put the costume back on when we got home so I ended up taking him to his best friend’s house and enlisting her parents to help me wrestle him into it, which we finally did.

I immediately took him outside to play to maybe keep his mind off it and it seemed to work because he became much happier and kept it on, and then we went trick-or-treating down one street with his best friend, Peyton, until she had to leave to go to another town where they give out better candy and we stayed and Holden continued to have fun for about one more street until he decided Halloween is not his thing.

We forced him to stay out for as long as we could but after about an hour total he was done and when we stopped home to get his stroller he ran inside and took off his costume before we even got through the door. So it was fun for a bit, but I have to admit I’m a little bummed. When I was little Halloween was a very serious event — my parents got so into it one time (we think it may have all been the same year) I wore my shoes down until there was nothing left and I had blisters all over my feet, one cousin had an asthma attack and the other threw up in the van and my parents and aunts and uncles kept going because candy was the goal, dammit, and if you trailed you would be left behind.

So getting the meager amount of candy we did for being out for only an hour kind of gave me flashbacks about how that’s so not good enough and I would have been left out in the cold to fend for myself had they been around. We need to teach this kid some proper Halloween etiquette, and soon.

I didn’t take any pictures because the whole thing was so stressful, but I’m going to give the kid and myself a few days to recover and then wrestle the costume on him again and force him to smile for the camera. In case you were wondering, he was the Big Bad Wolf, I was Little Red Riding Hood, and Jack was the Lumberjack.

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That’s about it, I guess. I know I missed yesterday’s Featured Friday but I think the above is excuse enough and I think I’m going to start doing it every other week because I seem to miss every other week anyway.

Today I’m supposed to post one of Nate’s letters but they’re all mixed in with the other shit in The Pile so that may be postponed as well, and I’m not sure which other features I’ll post until I’m feeling better but whenever I say that I end up posting them so take everything I say with a grain of salt.

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14 thoughts on “An Ordinary Update

  1. I hope you can get your passion back soon. Either way, your writing can still hold my interest.
    Good for you and your dad 😊 It sounds like you are on the right track. As for your future nuptials, I wish you the best. And I hope you receive the support you need.
    One more observation, if I may. I know you would like to pass the tradition and love of Halloween down to your son. You want him to love it as much as you did (and still do). But for whatever reason, he does not. As parents, it is painful when we realize that what we are passionate about doesn’t manifest itself in our children. Outside of our genetics, our children are separate individuals, with separate feelings and desires. While under our care, we have a certain amount of control and guidance we wield. However, kids have a habit of growing up and becoming adults and by then, our influence over them is severely lessened. How was your son affected by being bullied into wearing a costume he didn’t want to wear? You may not see it as bullying, however when you admit his teacher “had difficulty getting it on him” and you enlist his best friend’s parents “to help [you] wrestle him into it,” I assure you that your son sees it as bullying. Unfortunately, four adults in your son’s life that he should trust to value his feelings, have let him down. All four adults valued what you, his mother, wanted over what he wanted. It may help if you can see this from your son’s perspective, just as your dad is trying to see things from yours. Wearing a Halloween costume may not be as big a deal as taking medication, but maybe, just maybe, it is to Holden. Sorry if I stepped out of line here. I do wish you peace and love in your life.
    ~victoria

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you!

      And I see where you’re coming from, but I see it along the lines of forcing your kid into nice clothes and making them go to Great Aunt Betty’s Easter dinner. Every family has something, we skip the dinners and go crazy on Halloween. I did, however, let him stop when he really had enough.

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  2. Given what you’ve already told us about your relationship with Nate, and the determination you both have to make this happen in spite of your unavoidable separation, I’d say there’s nothing “juvenile” about your excitement at taking the practical steps to make it happen sooner rather than later. Give yourself a break on this one (as you deserve to on so many others) and CELEBRATE YOUR EXCITEMENT!!!

    And here you said you didn’t have any passion! Don’t kid yourself. There may be many things you’d expect to feel excited about that don’t move you right now, but you’re definitely moving on this marriage thing, AND on your relationship with your father. You’ve definitely got it going on — in more places than one, even if not in everything right now all at once. Hang onto that; hug it close and relish it.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I think it is so exciting that you and Nate are going to be engaged! You should be fully and wholeheartedly excited!!
    I admire your perseverance calling all of those courthouses, I hope you find one!
    Congratulations Bride to Be, I can’t wait to see the ring you pick out! <3

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Ok. So i just started following you a few weeks ago and i’m hooked. I admire your candor and resilience.
    I have a 22 yr old daughter and we couldn’t be further apart on any issue. I can’t wait for the day we understand each other better.

    Liked by 1 person

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