So I was sitting in bed with Jack the other night, having a beer, when the phone wrang.
No big deal. I got up to get it and OHMYGOD I farted. Now, this is no big deal to me. I know I fart. But, after six fucking years, and endless sleep-flatulence, Jack still thinks it’s inappropriate for me to fart in front of him.
Guess what, guys? Women fart. And women, you should stop holding in your farts!
By now you all should have already heard that holding in farts can be bad for your health. I won’t get into specifics, but some doctors believe it, some don’t, but either way it’s damn uncomfortable to do so.
You know what can happen when you hold in your farts? Your shoulder can hurt. I haven’t looked into why this happens, but I had a doctor once tell my friend, who was recovering from a c-section, that the pain in her shoulder was from gasses and she needed to walk around and fart to get them out. And I know from experience that my shoulder hurts all the time when I hold in my farts.
So, am I going to put myself through pain to make you more comfortable? No.
On average, the normal person farts 14 times a day. That’s at least 14 farts you men expect us women to hold in. And then guess what? Even if we do hold them in, they don’t go anywhere. They come out in our sleep. So it’s going to happen no matter what.
Honestly, I’m sick of this. I’m sick of this patriarchal bullshit that says women can’t fart. Do you know how uncomfortable holding in a fart can be? I refuse to be part of this no-women-farting movement. I’ve decided to make my own movement.
Let’s all become Flatulent Floozies! Flatulence Floozies can fart where they want, when they want, and admit to it whenever the hell they want, because why the fuck not?