Depression, or Something

There are clouds everywhere. Encircling my body. But not the soft, fluffy kind that bring comfort. The oozy kind that drip despair.

I just want to curl up with these clouds and let them take over, but Something inside tells me not to. I want to punch that damn Something in the face.

Shit. Is this really happening?

The Something throws some pills at me and I take them, must take them, to maybe make the clouds go away. Do I really want the clouds to go away? Their dampness provides some level of comfort — they know that no one will expect anything from me if they stay.

I try to wrap myself up in them, to accept what is happened, but the Something makes me fight back. The last bit of hope that maybe I won’t fall too hard this time. The Something is stronger this time than the last.

Why is it so hard to give in?

There are children playing and birds chirping and all that other stereotypical shit you’d expect on a nice, happy day. Outside. Inside there are storms brewing and monsters stirring and whatever stereotypical shit you’d expect on a rainy, dark day. There are two me’s.

The clouds tell me to squeeze the life out of the stereotypical happiness; the Something tells me to soak it up before the clouds win. I can’t decide.

Shit. This really is happening.

Maybe tomorrow I will wake up and the clouds will be gone and the Something will have no need to be here anymore. Maybe I will wake and the Something will have vanished and the clouds will be wrapping me in an ever-dimming cocoon. Sleep, they’ll snarl. Live, the Something will whisper.

Can’t I do both? Can’t I live in my cocoon? I know I can’t. I know it will be horrible and the clouds are not my friends and the Something is.

But I just want to give in.

*  *  *  *  *

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24 thoughts on “Depression, or Something

  1. … maybe the clouds will lift again by tomorrow … maybe not … Rosy, darling, omg … don’t despair … I know you where hi up there for a while, and now you feel down there for a while … so what? … I hope you have some sort of a screaming room area in order to scream and cry … but if not, I am here :) … might be a bit chilly at first, cuz it is -15C and plenty of snow here … but I’ll make a nice fire and snuggle you all better, yes? … don’t despair, baby girl … this is just another storm … you have so much to give … okay? … Love, cat. PS: Kisses for baby Nate … smiles.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Fabulously written. Describes well the limbo in which we often live. Do I fight this symptom or do I indulge it? Do I allow myself to cocoon? Do I actually need to do so to recuperate to some extent? We question what others may not for we fear how far an otherwise transitory mood or state of mind might take us. Thank you for eloquently and vividly putting it into words. You have a gift, my dear.

    Liked by 2 people

  3. Oh my gosh darling, send those f#&*ing clouds away. You CAN control the clouds you just need to keep your eyes on the sunshine! Its so so hard but the easy route isn’t always the best route.

    You’re a strong girl, you can beat it, throw that comfy blanket off and be determined that you will win this battle. Get some boxing gloves on, we’re right here cheering you on xo

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Reblogged this on mariajay76 and commented:
    It’s not news here that I love and admire ( am desperately jealous of) Tempest’s writing style and her blog altogether but sometimes she still throws me with something that feels plucked from my own inner psyche. If my psyche had a bad ass writing style with a poetic edge. Check out Tempest’s blog. Subscribe to her if you haven’t already. You won’t be disappointed.

    Like

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