Mini-Post Mondays: Sad

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I’ve been sad lately. I don’t know why. I suppose it’s depression, but it doesn’t feel like my usual depression. I think it’s because of my change in meds. I sigh a lot and just want to sleep all the time. Which I have been doing, so I don’t really remember much of when I’m awake. Luke gets me out of the house sometimes, so that’s nice, but it’s been so damn cold lately. So cold. The weather matches my mood, I guess. But I don’t think the weather is the cause. I’m behind on posts and almost behind on homework. Almost, not quite. I still have time to pull it together. I’m trying to get off suboxone but it’s not working. I know it will just add to the sadness. Nate is bummed I haven’t been as talkative because I’ve been sad. I’m afraid of falling like I did before, I thought this was over with. I don’t have much else to say. Everything feels weird.

Mini-Post Mondays: School, Nate, Not Much Else, Dad

It’s that time again, folks! Our once-weekly chatty post in which I inform you what’s going on with my life. But first, I want to apologize for not being active on here. I know I’ve been seriously slacking with visiting your blogs, but I swear I have good reason!

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School

School has been going. Just going. I want to say well, but I can already feel how my concentration issues are affecting me and I’m already starting to have wanna-spend-the-day-in-a-bookstore-instead feelings. So, it’s going. I’m trying my damndest, though. I already wrote a paper that’s not due until the very end of the semester, so I’m staying on my game as much as humanly possible. I have a Statistics test tomorrow that I’m not looking forward to, so keep me in your thoughts, I guess. Good vibes, people, good vibes!

Nate

Nate and I have been very well. Our phone conversations have been great and we seem happy. I mean, as happy as we can be knowing we won’t truly be together for at least 12 years. But better than before, definitely. Here’s to hoping things stay this way.

Not Much Else

I’ve been hanging out with my best friend, Luke, a lot. And doing homework. And that’s about it. I recently posted to Facebook that I miss all of my old friends, so a few of us have reunited via text message and I’m hoping that will lead to real reunions but who knows for sure. I feel pretty burnt out between school and Holden, though, so I’m hoping that doesn’t affect me too much. I got my book check from financial aid and, even though it was only a few hundred dollars, I can’t even explain how good it felt to have financial freedom for a few weeks, not having to rely on Jack and my dad for everything. It’s got me thinking about trying to find a part time job, I just don’t know if I can handle being a mom, going to school, and working. I know many other people do it, but I know myself and I get burned out pretty easily so I’m giving this some good, long thought before trying anything that may potentially harm rather than help.

Dad

In other news, today is my father’s 57th birthday, so Happy Birthday, Dad!

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That’s about all I have for this week. I’ve been increasingly busy but mainly only with schoolwork, so there’s not much to report. I’ve noticed y’all are still pretty quiet out there — tell me what’s new with you!

Mini-Post Monday: Storm, Meds, Suboxone, Tattoos, Testicles, Book

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Storm

You may remember me being super paranoid that my whole world would be cancelled last Tuesday because of an “epic snowstorm” headed towards my area. Well, for once in my life I was right and the meteorologists were wrong, because we got about one inch of snow. However, since Chris Christie likes to declare a State of Emergency every time a snowflake or drop of rain falls, my whole world was indeed cancelled. No classes, no psych appointment. Which brings me to . . .

Meds

Originally, when I called after finding out my psych office was closed, I was told the next available appointment was March 16th. FUCKING MARCH, PEOPLE. My anxiety has been pretty bad, I’ve been having trouble sleeping, and I can’t concentrate on anything for shit. I needed to see someone. Luckily I had therapy last Thursday and my therapist was able to schedule me for an “emergency” session with a different psychiatrist, though I don’t know why the receptionist didn’t do that in the first place. So anyway, I saw the new/one-time psych and he changed my meds. Now I am completely off the Buspar (which I did on my own a few weeks ago because I realized it was making me worse), have upped my dosage of Effexor, and have switched out the Abilify with Zyprexa. I’m pretty damn paranoid though, because everything I can find says that one of Zyprexa’s main side effects is slowing down your metabolism and weight gain. If you weren’t aware, I’ve already gone up about 20 pounds since I got on meds. I lost about ten over the past few weeks, but I still have a long way to go to get back to my ideal weight.

Suboxone

I’ve gone down on my Suboxone again, so now I’m only taking .25mg a day. Go me! I’m hoping to stay here for a few weeks and then get off altogether. We’ll see how that goes, but I’ll keep you updated!

Tattoos

I recently had a request from a fellow blogger to see my tattoos, so I’m giving you all some pics. Sadly, I only have pictures of three of them on my computer, so that’s all you get. See if you can figure out who/what they are. If you want stories behind any of them, ask in the comments!

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axltattoo

hedwig

 

I also have the workings of a sleeve, but no good photos of that. I’ll try to ask Jack to take some for me to post next week.

Testicles

Last week I noted that the doctor couldn’t find one of Holden’s testicles where it belonged and was afraid it didn’t descend, in which case he would need surgery. We were directed to get an ultrasound done to determine if it didn’t descend or if it just retracted. Well, I’m happy to announce that since the doctor’s visit I’ve been checking to see if I can find both of them where they belong, and I did! We’re still getting the ultrasound on Wednesday to know for certain, but I’m pretty sure he’s fine. Thank you for all of your support and well wishes.

Book

I haven’t been working on my book, mainly because of my concentration and because I’ve been so busy with school (which is going great so far, by the way). But don’t fret, I’ll start up again soon enough. However, I’ve noticed that my posts that include excerpts from the book (which is, if I didn’t mention, a memoir about my life) get less traffic altogether — less comments, likes, and views. So I’m asking — are you all still interested in reading the first two pages of every chapter? If you are, please let me know in the comments so I can know whether to keep posting them or not. Thanks!

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I think that’s all I have for today. How has everyone else’s week been?

Also, don’t forget to LINK UP your own Mini Mondays post to the Mini Mondays page!

Mini-Post Monday: Crap I Almost Forgot, and the Three S’s

That’s right, I totally almost forgot about y’all. Sorry about that, but it’s been kind of crazy around here.

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Storm

Supposedly there’s some sort of killer death storm coming my way. It’s got Governor Christie’s panties in such a bunch that he declared a State of Emergency at 1pm, even though I haven’t seen any snow all day. Though I suppose other areas may have, but because of his State of Emergency class was canceled and it shouldn’t have been. Normally I would be excited about getting the day to myself, but I had already driven all the way out there because my email alert didn’t come through. Plus, I’m actually happy that I’m getting up and out and doing something with my life so now when I have nothing to do I just sigh a lot and get upset about it. Time off is not good for me. Anyway, I have a psych appointment tomorrow morning and I’m really hoping this killer death storm doesn’t fuck that up because those things are impossible to reschedule in any timely manner.

Surgery?

I haven’t taken my son to the doctor’s in a long time, because we had lost our health insurance for about a year or so. Now that we have it back, I was a good mom and made an appointment and actually took him to it, so yay me! However, it seems that something is going on with him in which he might need surgery. The doctor is afraid that one of his testicles didn’t descend. We have to go for an ultrasound sometime this week (again, killer death storm be damned) and then figure it out from there. There’s a chance that it just retracted, so I’m really hoping that’s the case. If you pray, I’d like some sent over here, even though I don’t believe in that sort of stuff.

School

School has actually been going very well. I’m excited about it, I’m going, I’m doing the work. (Well, most of it. I’ve taken one of the classes previously but got a D so I have to retake it, and since I’m awesome and save all of my homework assignments saved to my computer I’ve just been pulling them and reusing them. No big deal, it’s still my work for this class.) I picked up an extra class so now I have a full classload, which is also exciting because now I feel like a real, functioning, contributing member of society instead of a freeloader.

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So, in all, things are looking up. I’ve found myself to be bored a lot lately when I have nothing going on, which isn’t like me (usually my brain keeps me occupied for hours), which sucks, but other than that I’ve been well and happy. Maybe the meds are working after all.

Mini-Post Mondays: Book, School, Other Stuff, Jack

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Book

So, I seem to have lost my motivation and inspiration. My book’s been stuck at around 38,000 words for about a week or so. I’m thinking about going back in and editing / adding, or maybe just taking a break until inspiration hits again. I’m really not sure. (*Please note that names in the book may not match names on the blog. I’m going to try to change them before I post pages here, but I might forget so I apologize for any confusion. It should be easy enough to figure out who’s who.)

School

I got my financial aid in order (yay for being crazy otherwise my appeal wouldn’t have been approved) and signed up for classes the other day. I am officially a college student again, after taking a semester off for personal reasons, and I’m excited to start (tomorrow!). I am not fond of my schedule, however. If I get even more quiet around here for a while it’s because I’m busy with homework and settling in to my new routine.

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Other stuff

I’ve felt . . . lost lately. I want to write but nothing comes, I want to clean but sit in bed, I want to sit in bed but pace around the house. Currently I’m binge-watching Weeds just because. I’m afraid this is that numb feeling people often speak about when they get on meds, because it’s been long enough for them to take their full effect and I don’t necessarily dislike it but I also don’t exactly like it. I’m just stuck in this middle place that isn’t bad but isn’t good, and it worries me because I don’t want to float through life like this. This is another reason I’ve been so quiet lately; nothing has been happening to write about, nothing is inspiring me, nothing is even setting me off like it usually does. I have nothing to joke about, nothing to rant about, nothing to tell you. I’m amazed Nate and I actually had a good conversation this morning because usually I have nothing to say. I’m surprised I’ve even typed this much. And now I’m done. I really hope I get more excited to do anything once school starts (tomorrow!).

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Jack

Jack and I haven’t been well. I think it’s because we’re no longer sleeping together, because Nate and I decided to nix the whole me sleeping with other people thing. Anyway, my therapist thinks he’s no good for me and doesn’t know why he’s still here. I say it’s so he can help me with Holden, but honestly I don’t even know why he’s still here. I guess it’s just because he has nowhere else to go and I don’t want to put him out like that. But we haven’t really been getting along and things just seem bad. He complains, I complain, he gets mean, I get mean. I think we really need some time apart because we’ve been living together for 6-7 years and have just gotten sick of the other.

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And that’s about all. What’s going on with y’all? You’ve been surprisingly quiet lately.