I Want to Feel Better

There are two common questions I’m asked; two common answers I’ve spoken more times than I can count.

Why did you start using?

Because it was fun.

Why did you keep using?

Because I wanted to feel better.

Even if I didn’t feel bad, I wanted to feel better. Always bigger, always better, always more.

So when I was with Luke the other day and he asked, “Why do you keep doubling up on your meds?” I wasn’t the least bit surprised when “Because I want to feel better” came out.

That’s what everyone wants, isn’t it? To feel better. To feel good, all the time.

It’s no wonder an addict’s mind can’t differentiate the regular bad days from the end of the world.

And that’s my problem. My addict takes over when I don’t feel 100% and I just want to feel better.

I don’t know how to feel normal anymore. If I have a runny nose, I should take more Suboxone. If I have a headache, I should take more Abilify. If I’m anxious and cranky, I should take more Celexa. If I yawn I take more Suboxone. Everything that isn’t absolutely perfect is obviously a sign of withdrawal and I need more medication.

That’s how my mind works.

I honestly don’t remember why I started using in the first place. I remember the first time I smoked weed. My friends did it and it looked fun so I tried it. The first time I did coke it looked fun. The first time I did heroin I had already done nearly every other drug so why the hell not? I don’t remember trying to self-medicate or having any underlying problems that drove me to the bittersweet arms of narcotics. I was simply surrounded by them and they seemed fun.

When I think about it, I’m sure there was some sort of underlying issue that drove me to want to feel better, but at the time I didn’t realize I felt bad. I just wanted to have fun.

Now that’s over. Now whenever I have a craving or double up on my dose it’s not just because I want to have fun — it’s because something isn’t right. After being a heroin addict for so long, my body has gotten itself used to self-medicating every single time something feels off. I can’t handle not feeling perfect anymore. Even though I’ve been sober for years, it all comes back to me when I don’t feel well. Obviously the solution is to take something (or more of something).

This is the problem I have with my medications. They’re not working the way I’d like, so I take more. I know I shouldn’t take more. I know it’s dumb to take more and I know I’ll run out sooner and actually withdraw and everything will suck and it’s the worst possible idea I’ve had in a long time.

I just can’t stop myself from aching to feel better.

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Next Time

My skin is expelling months of sin and my brain is swelling around the lack of sanity and my body shakes like an earthquake but all I want is sleep and there are sounds all around from sirens and screaming and evil overtakes my eyes as I glance upon the ground for something, anything when a white angel flutters up to me from below so I hastily tear into it and the answer is there right in my hands, the answer to make or break or fight or flight or whatever other cliche applies to this particular situation.

I decide to make it, to fight.

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On Drinking and Guilt

I had a drink the other night, like I have so many times before. But this time it was to help me sleep — it wasn’t unprompted. Which is worse?

I had two drinks the other night, like I have so many times before. But this time it was for a reason; it was to help with my anxiety — it wasn’t just a nightcap. Is one better?

I had three drinks the other day, because I just wanted to. There was no reason, no purpose. Is that okay?

I have a drink in my hand currently. I can’t seem to sleep without it. I should be asleep already. This isn’t good.

via Simone Berna / Flickr (CC BY 2.0) (Cropped & text replaced)

via Simone Berna / Flickr (CC BY 2.0) (Cropped & text replaced)

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Reminder: Shitting On Yourself is Not Fun

(Disclaimer: This post contains a lot of fucks, but not a lot of fucks given.)

I’m an addict. We all know this. It’s old news.

I mean, I guess that depends on what your definition of old is. Is 10 years old? Because that’s when it started. So really, my addiction is in elementary school.

Which makes me feel a little better about this next bit, because if my addiction is in elementary school than my sobriety is still a toddler. It’s probably not even in daycare yet.

So it’s only natural for it to forgo the potty; to forget how horrible shitting all over yourself is, and want to do it again, right?

potty toilet draw

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10 Things I Hate About NA

NA and AA save lives. I won’t deny that. However, it’s not for everyone. Many people do not benefit from their practices, and I am one of them.

This isn’t to say I didn’t try. I did, and I enjoyed going to meetings for a short time. But then reality kicked in and I decided instead of living my recovery, I was going to live my life. Which worked wonders for me.

But anyone from NA / AA will tell you I’m not a real addict because of that. So I’ve compiled a list of reasons why NA / AA aren’t for me. Me, the real addict, who dedicated years of her life to screwing over (or screwing) everyone I knew to get my next fix.

(*Note — this is more-so directed towards NA, as I’ve had more experience with narcotics and Narcotics Anonymous than alcohol or Alcoholics Anonymous.)

*  *  *  *  *

1. They tell you right off the bat that they are the only way.

Which pretty much means they lie to you from the beginning. Anonymous is not the only way, as many sober people in the world can attest to. Some people get sober on their own, some need help; some use resources such as NA, and some don’t.

That’s okay, but they don’t want you to know that.

I’d say with a 5% success rate, it’s safe to say they’re not the only way.

NA cult brainwash

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