Flatulence Floozies

So I was sitting in bed with Jack the other night, having a beer, when the phone wrang.

No big deal. I got up to get it and OHMYGOD I farted. Now, this is no big deal to me. I know I fart. But, after six fucking years, and endless sleep-flatulence, Jack still thinks it’s inappropriate for me to fart in front of him.

no farting

Photo Credit: Bill Bates / Flickr (CC BY-ND 2.0)

Guess what, guys? Women fart. And women, you should stop holding in your farts!

By now you all should have already heard that holding in farts can be bad for your health. I won’t get into specifics, but some doctors believe it, some don’t, but either way it’s damn uncomfortable to do so.

You know what can happen when you hold in your farts? Your shoulder can hurt. I haven’t looked into why this happens, but I had a doctor once tell my friend, who was recovering from a c-section, that the pain in her shoulder was from gasses and she needed to walk around and fart to get them out. And I know from experience that my shoulder hurts all the time when I hold in my farts.

So, am I going to put myself through pain to make you more comfortable? No.

On average, the normal person farts 14 times a day. That’s at least 14 farts you men expect us women to hold in. And then guess what? Even if we do hold them in, they don’t go anywhere. They come out in our sleep. So it’s going to happen no matter what.

Honestly, I’m sick of this. I’m sick of this patriarchal bullshit that says women can’t fart. Do you know how uncomfortable holding in a fart can be? I refuse to be part of this no-women-farting movement. I’ve decided to make my own movement.

Let’s all become Flatulent Floozies! Flatulence Floozies can fart where they want, when they want, and admit to it whenever the hell they want, because why the fuck not?

[here are more facts on farts]

Only Sluts Eat Bananas

A while ago I saw a Facebook friend of mine post this:


Which got me all riled up.

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What is slutty exactly? Please, dear male friend, inform us as to how to find the perfect balance between slutty and sexy. Because we all know you want to look at us, but then you blame us for giving you something to look at.

But, more importantly, our purpose is not for your eye candy. We don’t dress to impress you. Some of us don’t dress to impress anyone. We live in New Jersey, dear friend, where it has been in the 90s (or felt like it) for the past week. We’re not used to this weather. We’re fucking hot.

What do you do when you’re hot? Take your shirt off, I presume? Wear shorts and tanks, maybe? Yeah. We do the same. We wear shorts and dresses and bikinis because it’s hot and we want to be comfortable. Not everyone who dresses in small clothing does so to draw attention to themselves.

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I Guess I’m Not a Woman

I recently read this post from Paul Thomas Bell. Now, I follow him and appreciate his blog so this is all in good fun, but I just couldn’t miss an opportunity like this to shatter the female stereotype.

Paul has deduced that he knows the answer all men seek — What Women Want. Therefore I must not be a woman because, while the first phrase of some of the things on his list may apply to me, the descriptions sure as hell don’t.

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Babies. You’re right, I do want babies. However, I don’t want any more until I’m much older and much more stable. One surprise was enough, thank you. So no, I will not be forcing anyone to put a baby in me before they’re ready. I know what it’s like to not be ready.

I also don’t want babies nearly as much as my boyfriend does, and I’ve come across more women who want nothing to do with slobber and poop and “why?” and almost setting the house on fire every second of their lives than I’ve met women who want that stuff. Rock on, non-baby-makers.

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