The Other Woman (On Gratitude)

Dear Nikki

 

At first I hoped you wouldn’t answer. I wasn’t sure what lie ahead if you did. I was nervous. I always am, when it comes to you.

And then when you did answer, I got even more anxious. Should I just relay Nate’s message and leave it at that? Should I bring up our scheduled ‘talk’ if you didn’t? Thankfully, you did.

And when you did all my worries faded away. I can’t tell you how much it meant to me to hear your words, to know how you feel, to know I still have a chance.

Even more, I want you to know how elated hearing Nixon’s and Nathaniel’s voices made me. How excited they were to talk to me, to hear from me again, to hopefully see me. How Holden gasped when I told him he could speak to his brother and his sister. All of those things mean more to me than anyone could ever know. They brighten my world.

I know we’ve been through a lot. I slept with your husband and you abandoned your kids and we both held resentment for each other for a long, long time. But speaking on the phone made me feel like we were old friends catching up and that gives me hope.

I know we’ll never be ‘old friends’ again, but I hope we can at least get as close as possible, even if it’s just remaining friendly to each other.

But mostly, I want to thank you.

Thank you for the memories you’ve given me over the years, even though many of them weren’t so great.

Thank you for giving me the time of day after all I’ve put you through. I know many other people may not do the same. I know I probably don’t even deserve it.

Thank you for understanding my desires are not selfish, but for the kids. Of course I want to see them as well, but all I’ve ever really wanted was what’s best for them, and I know you do, too.

Thank you for giving me the chance I’ve longed after for so long. Thank you for letting me give you the chance you may have not even cared about.

Thank you for growing, for maturing, for understanding, and letting me do the same.

Thank you for being honest and kind. Thank you for coming back after all that time. Thank you for taking the time to heal yourself.

I may not be able to fathom leaving my child, but I completely understand needing to fix yourself for them. Thank you for fixing yourself.

Thank you, for everything.

Tempest Rose

*  *  *  *  *

This is the third letter in the ‘Other Woman’ series. Click here for parts one, ‘On Apologies,’ and two, ‘On Forgiveness‘.


If you’ve read all three Other Woman posts, I’d love your input. Should I trust her? Should she trust me? Is it going to take us a long time to get to where we need to be? Have you ever been in a similar situation? Let me know!

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The Other Woman (On Forgiveness)

dear nikki (2)

 

I’ve tried. I have. But I just can’t understand what you did. I can’t understand it, I can’t support it, I can’t respect it. I can’t agree to disagree about it. What you did was wrong.

I might, however, be able to forgive it.

I know you were suffering with Bipolar disorder. And I know what that’s like, because I too am afflicted by the same illness. I know sometimes it feels like the best thing really is for your children to be away from you. But I don’t know how someone could abandon their children, I just don’t.

Holden is a little older than Nathaniel was when you first left. I couldn’t imagine not having him in my life. There are times I want to lock him in a closet. There are times I wish someone would just take him, or me, away for a while. But never forever. Never for a year with no contact.

At the time, I couldn’t even bear the thought of being without your kids for more than a week or two. Even now I can’t bear the thought of it, but I have to live with it.

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The Other Woman (On Apologies)

dear nikki (2)

 

As I think about all the possible aspects of my inner life that may end up in this blog, and undoubtedly my book (if I ever finish it), I realize I have to face writing about us. Which is fine, by me, but it’s also something delicate that I feel has to be approached the right way.

So I decided to start like this. Bearing my inner-most feelings and voicing apologies never said directly to you and explaining how you hurt me, too.

Let me begin by saying I know I was wrong. I take full responsibility for how very wrong I was. I can say I was young and stupid and heartless and so blindly in love I couldn’t say no (and I’m sure you’d at least kind of understand those points), and they’re all the truth, but it’s still my fault.

I slept with your husband. I tore your family apart far too many times. I did it, I know I did it, I admit to doing it, and I am sorry. There aren’t many words that can assist you in getting inside my head to truly understand, but know that I did not set out with the intention of harming you. And my apology is real.

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