If I’m Lost, What is She?

My mom’s going to Florida. Tomorrow. She doesn’t know how long she’s going to be gone; she might stay the whole winter.

She’s going through a lot right now, and this is probably exactly what she needs. But I’m hurt. I’m saddened. I’m saddened that her life has gotten to this point and I’m saddened that I’m losing my best friend, for however long, and I’m saddened that my son isn’t going to be able to see his grandmother for however long.

I don’t know where this post is going, but I need to write something.

This is all my stepfather’s fault. I want to blame him, and I do blame him, because he is to blame. I’m not holding back and even trying to be understanding. The hate I once had for him because of what he did to me, that I worked so fucking hard to get over, is now back, but this time because of what he’s doing to her.

I once told him, long ago while we were drunk and he was hitting on me, that I would cut his dick off if he ever hurt her. The pain has gone on for too long now and it might be time for me to make good on my word. Not really, but if I could, I’m to the point where I probably would.

My plan was to have them take my son if anything ever happened to me. Now who will?

My plan was to be by my mother’s side until I died, because I’m dying first because we agreed. Now who’s side will I stand by?

She said she’s sorry. She shouldn’t have to apologize for anything. This shouldn’t be happening.

I want to cry but I can’t. I’m lost. I can’t even imagine how she feels.

She should know that she is loved, more than immensely. She is perfect.

Tempest Rose Susan Crowe

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Confession: Adultery in the Heart

I’m told every woman does this, but I’m married and find myself having massive crushes on other men. They’re not men I know, mind you, but usually people on TV. I seem to be especially drawn to guys on Project Runway which bothers me all the more because I feel as though I’m obsessed, which I definitely have a tendency toward. I suppose that’s an “extra” confession.

The main reason this bothers me is that every relationship I have had with a man has had something to do with cheating.  I’ve had quite a few boyfriends and every one of them has either been cheated *on* or cheated *with*. A few of the latter knew what they were but, as far as I know, none of the former has ever found out. At least, not that they’ve said. I don’t know if openly seeing three guys the way I did once “counts” as cheating. Being able to date all these guys was a big ego boost since I was the ugly nerd in high school but, trust me, it’s a lot more trouble than it’s worth.

I am not afraid I will cheat on my husband, but it bothers me that I’m more attracted to men I see on TV than I am to my own husband. I’ve been undergoing treatment for bipolar and on medication that all but kills your sex drive nearly the entire time we’ve been together, so that explains that. At least, it could. Maybe the injury causing me not to be able to have sex contributed too. Perhaps it’s not that I’m more attracted so much as that I make up fantasies in my head about sex and romance with them. I’m always younger in the fantasies, so perhaps I just feel old too. I feel as though I shouldn’t need to do this if I’m happy in my marriage. I do love him, more than anything…so why do I have to keep fantasizing about having sex with other men but not about him?

I’m a horrible wife, a horrible Christian and a horrible person…

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This confession is brought to you by The Prozac Queen. To submit your own confession, please visit The Confessional page.

The Other Woman (On Apologies)

dear nikki (2)

 

As I think about all the possible aspects of my inner life that may end up in this blog, and undoubtedly my book (if I ever finish it), I realize I have to face writing about us. Which is fine, by me, but it’s also something delicate that I feel has to be approached the right way.

So I decided to start like this. Bearing my inner-most feelings and voicing apologies never said directly to you and explaining how you hurt me, too.

Let me begin by saying I know I was wrong. I take full responsibility for how very wrong I was. I can say I was young and stupid and heartless and so blindly in love I couldn’t say no (and I’m sure you’d at least kind of understand those points), and they’re all the truth, but it’s still my fault.

I slept with your husband. I tore your family apart far too many times. I did it, I know I did it, I admit to doing it, and I am sorry. There aren’t many words that can assist you in getting inside my head to truly understand, but know that I did not set out with the intention of harming you. And my apology is real.

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Pressured to Perform, or Make Excuses

By now I’m sure you’ve all heard of the sex spreadsheet a husband made documenting his attempts at lovemaking and his wife’s responses (usually shutdowns) that went viral. (Pish-posh to the things that ‘go viral’ nowadays, amirite?)

Sex? ...or sex not. A spreadsheet

At first I saw it while scrolling through my Facebook newsfeed. I didn’t click on the article, but I read the ‘excuses’ from the thumbnail and had a little laugh. Then I realized hey, I say those things a lot. (Well, said because there’s currently no hanky-panky going on in this house.)

And I thought those reasons aren’t excuses, they’re real-life true reasons for not being in the mood to be fondled and have your junk all exposed and pawed at.

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