So I guess I’m turning this tampon debacle into a live-tweet kind of thing. Only in this case, it’s live-blogging.
A short recap: My Lady Bits are Not a Black Hole, even though I think there’s a lost tampon up there somewhere, and at first I thought I was fine, but upon further investigation I found out My Cervix Might be a Doughnut, and that I’m showing an array of symptoms and might die.
I’m here to tell you that I did not keel over in my sleep. So that’s good.
And I did call that clinic, which is also good, kind of —
So remember that time I told you I thought I had lost a tampon in my lady bits?
Well, almost immediately after posting that (and following up on comments) I started to feel worse. My headache was worse and my body was kind of achy and I realized I had been peeing a lot so I read some more Google results on lost tampons and TSS and then remembered I had forgotten to take both of my nightly meds so there was a good chance I was just experiencing some minor withdrawal.
So I got up to go to the bathroom, again, and use the bathroom light (so as not to disturb Jack) to make sure I was taking the right amount of medication and not spilling it all over the floor for my kid to pick up and eat or stick up his nose, and I decided to give my palms another look.
They looked red. But was that really a rash? I mean, I didn’t remember how I was just laying in bed. Maybe I was putting pressure on my hands. I’m very fair-skinned so I get red easily. But then I remembered one of the Google search results described the rash as looking like sunburn. So I did a closer inspection and realized that there was a very distinct line going down the middle of the side of my hand — my pinky extension, if you understand — and on the palm side it was completely red but on the top it was normal-skin-tone-colored.
I’m just going to dive right into this.
I think I have a lost tampon somewhere in the depths of my vagina.
*Disclaimer (that I purposely added after the initial shocking confession) — to those who are squeamish or uncomfortable talking about bodily stuff or private parts or women’s health, or tampons or periods or vaginas, I am not sorry. And you should continue reading. Because it’s about damn time we made this stuff okay to talk about. And if I offend any of you, why the hell are you here in the first place?
So here’s what happened —